That's all I have, one more semester left of school. Words cannot describe what I am feeling about this fact because there are too many words. Sure there is the sigh of relief with finally being done, but then there comes the panic of what to do next. Find a real job is one of them, yes, but what about school? Sure I complain about it and stress out, but it is something I highly love. I love it so much I have burned myself out. I am in dire need of a break to sit and do nothing... nothing but what I want to do. I would like a vacation to some place unfamiliar, new, exotic, and relaxing. Alas, this wont be happening anytime soon because it is crazy expensive to travel these days. But one day soon, I hope to be able to do this.
I have a 4.0. I have had a 4.0 since the beginning of Grad school. I have never had a 4.0 in my entire life... EVER. I am sure this doesn't seem like that big of a deal to most people, but to me it is a HUGE deal. For the first time in my life, I feel smart, I feel intelligent, I feel like I can accomplish great things.
Of course there have and continue to be hurtles that come and rattle my world. Whether it is a heart wrenching break-up, realizing that people don't follow through, friends moving far away and missing them every second of every day, there is healing, working on yourself, trying to be happy, trying to make the right decision while everyone is telling to do you something else, following your gut, following YOUR HEART. I have experienced a lot of heartache in the past 3 years. A lot. I have given too much away to people who I thought loved me with their whole being, only to be rejected and dumped for someone else. I have become petrified of being only attracted to assholes, so I have locked my heart in a little box where it doesn't get damaged. It needs to rejuvenate, it needs to be beat strong and not go into my stomach when I see a long lost love across the street or driving the opposite way.
But, I have learned a lot. I have learned that you should NEVER wait till three days before your deadline to write your thesis. I learned that I can't trust everyone, and not everyone deserves my love. I learned that I am incredibly smart and beautiful. I have learned that I can change a persons day simply by smiling (some people call me sunshine at work). I learned that I can do anything I want to if I put my mind to it.
There are still days that I doubt everything I've learned; am I really that pretty? Am I really that smart? And luckily, I have amazing friends that remind me yes, that I am pretty, inside and out, and that I am smart (helllloooo 4.0, it is nice to meet you). It is hard to accept this fact when time and time again people make you feel otherwise, treat you otherwise, and act otherwise.
The truth is, I need to leave Flagstaff. I need to leave the little town that has been my home for over 16 years. I need to leave the town that holds memories, both good and bad. I need to see the world if I want to change it. I need to find something new. Find new someones. And find myself. I need to find myself with unfamiliarity. I need to find myself without the comforts of home.
Change is what I need. And I am hoping 2011 is the year it is going to happen. With a job, with moving, with being ok with me, and with meeting new people to try and open my heart to.
