That whole, “There are so many other mean, awful people in
the world, why did Nan have to be the one to die” was very present in my mind
every day. I took out my frustration,
anger, and irritability on the people closest to me. I snapped, cracked, and
cried at the most random times. I had emotional breakdowns and stomped on the
ground because of all the anger in me. I finally admitted that I was angry that
Nan was gone. I was angry at so much about what was going on—people lying,
people being unfair, people being who they are—and I didn’t like it.
I don’t reach out for comfort and support all that often—I tend
to close people out and go inside, which is probably less helpful and more destructible.
That’s why I was so proud of myself when I went to see a therapist because it
was something I know I needed to do. I could feel myself slipping further and
further into my own world, closing people off and not knowing how to deal with
things.
Trying to go easy on myself and realize that this is a
process is one of the hardest parts for me. I don’t like feeling upset, angry,
irritated all the time, and I am just wanting it to stop. I want to be back to
who I was. I know that this isn’t possible, because I will forever be changed
by the loss of Nan. She was such an important person in my life since I was a
teenager and I am forever thankful for what she’s done for me and her support throughout
the years. She was always so proud of all of her kids, including me. I remember
during my MA graduation party she came up to me, gave me a hug, and said she was
so proud of me and she knew I could do it. That’s the thing with Nan, she
always knew her kids were able to do anything they put their mind to, even when
we doubted ourselves, she never had a doubt.
I noticed a shift in my mood when I got the best surprise I could have gotten—my aunt and
grandma flew out a few days before my birthday to surprise me. It was exactly
what I needed, especially since the night before I had a total meltdown with my
partner. My aunt and I have a very special relationship and I consider her one
of my best friends. I hadn’t seen my grandma or my aunt in almost a year, so it
was much needed and much appreciated. A special shout out to my partner for
helping them coordinate it and keep it a secret. I couldn’t have been more
thankful for them to be in my house. I cried, I screamed, I jumped up and down,
and I hugged them so much and so hard.
Spending time with both of them and talking about the
happenings of my mind, heart, and emotions really helped. Sure, the phone is
easy, but something about being face-to-face is more powerful. I enjoyed every
minute of them being here, and that is something that I will never forget.
Once they left, I noticed I was a bit lighter, and not so
heavy and dark. My heart didn’t hurt as much and I was able to breathe a little
bit easier. I went for a hike the Monday after they left, and did my most
favourite trail down in Oak Creek, and the whole time I was hiking I was
smiling and appreciating the beauty I was in. I thought of Nan and I hoped she
was able to walk with me on the hike and be there spiritually with me, because
she would have loved it. I saw so much life and remembered that everything
lives and everything dies, and that’s ok. It hurts, and sucks, but it’s ok,
everything will be ok.
There are days where the sadness becomes extremely strong
again, but I try and not let it consume me so much. I realize that I will have
good days and bad days. And when I have those bad days, I can remember the good
ones and know things are going to change the next day.
