A year

March 14^th marked the day where my best friend called and told me her mom had a stroke. I will probably always remember every detail of that day. I remember what that when she called, I was making gluten-free and dairy-free cookies to take down to Phoenix so I could go see my grandma. When she told me she was coming to Flagstaff, I got SO excited cause it had been a few years since I had seen her. When she told me why she was coming to Flagstaff, I remember thinking that people recover from strokes all the time, so I thought nothing of it.

Then I get a text message from “Mom Munoz” on my phone and I instantly think everything is going to be ok, cause OBVIOUSLY she’s doing much better if she’s sending me text messages. It went off a few times and when I was finally able to check it, I saw “Nan in hospital.” “Stephanie is going to need you.” “Roger.”

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I head over to the hospital, to ICU where everyone is, and as soon as I walk into her room, I knew she wasn’t there. I knew she wasn’t going to recover. I knew this was going to be one of the worst days.

I had to stop sending text messages to my best friend and keep the seriousness of this event to myself. She had to fly from Oregon and the reason why she made it sound like it wasn’t a big deal was because Roger made it sound like it wasn’t a big deal so she could some-what fly sanely.

I went home for about three hours to try and take a nap before she arrived (around 12.30 the next morning, the 15^th). We were all there waiting for her. We took her to a different room to kind of prepare her for what she was about to walk into.

I stayed with her the whole night. I never once left her side. I was always as close as I could be as we laid next to Nan for the whole evening.

Anyway, I don’t need to continue in THIS much detail. What I wanted to get to was the fact that it’s been a year since Nan died. It’s been the longest and slowest year of my life so far.

This Saturday, a group of ten of us did the hike Nan always did in the Spring. It was the Schnebly Hill hike. The gate was closed, so we basically started at the freeway exit and hiked all the way down to Tlaquepaque for lunch. At least 15 miles, and a group of four us did it just shy of the 4 hours that was planned. The rest of the group was about 5.5 hours.

We couldn’t have asked for a better day hiking. It started off cool in the higher elevations and it got warm, but not hot throughout the day. We stopped and had snacks, appreciated the beauty of seeing Sedona, and I wrote “Nan” in some sand along the side of the road.

To my surprise, I wasn’t highly emotional. I felt sadness, sure, knowing she wasn’t going to physically hike this hike anymore, but I didn’t cry, feel the need to, or think it appropriate. It was a beautiful day. Perhaps I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I was going to be because I have been emotional for the past year. Perhaps it’s getting easier for me to deal with the fact that her soul is no longer here. Perhaps I am getting a bit more comfortable in mortality and knowing we are here for a reason, and once we’ve accomplished that reason, we’re all going to leave.

I got to spend three days with my best friend and it was great. We ate good food, baked, went to the knitting store, had a girls night with another one of our friends. It really was such a joyful experience and it felt good. I know Nan was with us every step of the way, and she will always be with us. And while her body, her vessel isn’t here, I know that her soul, her energy is here and will always be in my heart. And for that, I am grateful.

Here’s to Nan and her witchy laugh. Wherever she may be, I know she’s giggling and having a great time.

Music that feeds the soul

Music has always been a substantial part of my life. Since pre-school I have been in a choir throughout my school years. It was one of the ways I loved being creative. Choir was the one class I absolutely adored and looked forward to in my school years. In high school, I had a phenomenal choir director and he really helped me grow and mature as a singer. He was always pushing me and giving me advice on how to improve. I’ll never forget the impact he had on my life. I was in choir for three semesters in college before I went on an exchange program to England. It was a whole new ball game in singing, but it was so rewarding. I was one of the few Alto II’s and I was encouraged to let me true voice roar.

I haven’t been in a choir since the beginning of college, but I can still sing a mean karaoke song or sing loudly in my car. I will always have music in my life—it’s something that makes my heart swoon and makes me feel alive.

Brandi Carlile is my number one favourite artist, and her new album, “The Firewatchers Daughter” came out today. Luckily, I pre-ordered her CD months ago and they gave me a free mp3 download of the whole album. Needless to say, it’s been on repeat since I returned home from a work trip this weekend.

This album, man… this album… I don’t know if I could put into words what this album is. I have all her CDs, even the ones she recorded herself when she was starting out in coffee shops. It’s amazing to hear the changes in her voice, lyrics, musical experimentation, everything. Yet, she still has the original spark that caught my heart 11 years ago.

I have traveled to different states to see her perform, because honestly, she is by far the best live performer I have ever seen. When I flew to Reno to see her a long time ago with my aunt, I looked at my aunt and said, “be prepared to have your life changed.” And it’s true. Her live performances have been better than any of her CDs. The energy she brings to a show is astounding and inspiring. The way she and the twins give it their all in every performance is something I admire and love so much.

When I first met her, it was 2011, and it was the weekend of my M.A. graduation. My aunt (the same one mentioned above) and I went skydiving to celebrate and then drove down to Tucson to see Brandi perform. When I did meet her that night, the first thing I said to her was, “I jumped out of a fucking airplane today.” And ever since then, the times that I’ve met her after her shows, she remembers me as the girl who jumped out of an airplane.

I am good at making impressions. J

There’s something about her music that makes my heart flutter. Seeing her live will probably be one of the best experiences of my life, and I hope to fly up to Colorado in August to see her at Red Rocks. I hope her tour extends cause she’s not coming to Arizona or Nevada this summer, which makes me so sad! The last time I saw her was December 2012.

There have been other bands and singer songwriters that I’ve enjoyed, but they have never made me feel so alive, emotional, and raw as B.C. does. I can listen to her albums on repeat for the entire day (which I did yesterday) and I do not get sick of it. Sure there are songs that may be a bit less positive, but you know what, at least they are true. Life isn’t always positive and I think it’s important that we understand we all go through hard times in life, and if you’re a singer/songwriter, your outlet to let it go may be a song.

Music feeds my soul, and I am thankful for artists like Brandi Carlile that can not only make me feel, but are honest and true to their passion.

If you ever get the chance, go see her live. It will, without a single doubt, change your life.  In the meantime, here's a video of "Wherever is Your Heart," the second song on their new album. This video was done live--they are really singing and playing in this video.