Meditation and the elephant

I attended my very first meditation class last night. And by class, I mean, there was a 45 minute talk about the practices of meditation, followed by 30-40 minutes of meditation. After the meditation, people were able to stay and have a discussion afterwards. This involves things one may be struggling with in their practice, in their life, or positive experiences with the night’s meditation. It was really a great experience. The type of meditation we did was mindful meditation, or rather Vipassana. This type of meditation involves practicing being aware of the things that you do and the things that happen around you at every moment. Vipassana is a way of self-transformation through self-observation. It focuses on the deep interconnection between mind and body, which can be experienced directly by disciplined attention to the physical sensations that form the life of the body, and that continuously interconnect and condition the life of the mind. It’s an observation-based, self-exploratory journey to the common root of mind and body that dissolved mental impurity, resulting in a balanced mind full of love and compassion. This was my first time with this type of meditation—I usually participate in Zen meditation where you quiet your mind completely.

I have been struggling with a lot of family issues lately. Relationships have fallen through the cracks, and some awful things were said to me. So awful that I am having a hard time trying to forgive that person and move forward. While I know that it was essentially a reflection of them, I cannot believe that someone, more specifically, a family member would ever say such things about me. I have been working really hard to try and move forward, to not let it get to me. But there are times that it’s so impossible. Maybe not impossible, but extremely difficult. I am trying to figure out a way to work through this hurtle, to learn to forgive and really mean it. I can say “I forgive you,” but I don’t. I am still hurt and upset and just not wanting to have this person in my life anymore (which they are not currently anyway since we’re not talking, but you know what I mean).

90% of my family knows what has happened and was upset about it occurring. But, because MOST of my family is good at NOT taking sides, it has just become this giant sitting elephant in the room. How do you address this elephant? What do you say or do to get the elephant to get a little smaller? This giant elephant, and the fact that I am still extremely hurt about what happened, makes it hard for me to want to participate in family activities. I start thinking, “If I attend this, will so and so ignore me and make it extremely uncomfortable?” or “If I go to this, am I gonna lose my shit and address the elephant boldly and perhaps by doing so making an uncomfortable situation even more uncomfortable?”  It’s a difficult position. No one things they were in the wrong, but it seems that because there’s this large elephant in the room, people know they were in the wrong and don’t want to address it. Or perhaps, but not addressing it or acknowledging le elephant, it will go away. Who knows. I am trying my hardest to no longer focus on those other people. I am trying to focus on myself. To forgive. To love. To wish them the best. And I think meditation is the way to go.

It is now a goal of mine to meditate every day. Whether its 10 minutes or an hour, I will sit down and meditate. I am hoping to do this in the morning, since when I did it this morning; I have felt a hell of a lot more solid and to the ground. Although after last night’s meditation, I slept so soundly, so peacefully, and so hard. It was quite delicious.

Here’s to a new journey of working on myself.