“We must forgive those we feel have wronged us, not because they deserve to be forgiven, but because we love ourselves so much we don’t want to keep paying for the injustice.”
Do you know how hard that is? I am currently working on this aspect in my life, and realizing that there is no need for me to be angry or upset by what others have said or done to me. Because essentially, it is themselves that they are angry with. That’s the only reason why someone could be so mean or cruel to another human—they themselves are exceedingly unhappy with their life, themselves, and their situation, that they want to make others feel the same way.
It’s powerful stuff, to realize this. But, that doesn’t mean it is EASY to forgive people who have hurt us. It’s interesting to apply this to every aspect of life: friends, family, ex-partners, partners, your dog, your cat, your whatever. We have the ability to get upset with what people do or say and it ultimately affects us and how we feel. Whether it is not being able to open up or break down the walls we have built, or the ability to be intimate with someone, or anything else.
When I first started dating my partner, I had a really large and awesome brick wall built around me. I had been burned a year before, and there was no way I was going to get burned this time. After a couple dates and 6-hour long conversations, each time a layer of that brick would come off. Slowly but surely, I had just some stepping stones—a foundation if you will—around myself that no longer blocked him or anyone else out. It was quite rewarding, and also very releasing to have this wall gone. It’s hard work to keep a wall up around yourself, and it’s extremely tiring. You focus so much on the wall that you’re unable to focus on getting to know someone or letting them get to know you.
Getting back to how we take things so personally, it is really easy to get lost in fear, anger, sadness, and any other feeling that we lose sight of who we are. It is especially hard when it is someone in our family, someone who is supposed to love us UNCONDITIONALLY.
Unconditional love… is there such a thing? I have been toying with this concept for about a week now. We all have conditions in some sort of way with people we love. Whether they hurt our feelings and we are unable to move on, or they have (or have not) done something, which we expect them to do. Can we truly love ourselves or anyone else unconditionally? I ask for you to think about that, to truly think about the people you have in your life and whether or not you love them no matter what. Can you forgive someone without having a condition of them apologizing? Can you just let it go without it being acknowledged? Can you love your child without putting the condition of punishment on them if they don’t behave? Can you love your partner without putting conditions on them to be a certain way, acknowledge what you’re wearing or what you look like? Can you not get involved in something that doesn’t involve you, but then put that person or thing in a condition because you decided to get involved?
This is what I am currently experiencing right now. The fact that people, some of my family, do not love me unconditionally. I have been given conditions without even knowing! How am I supposed to know you want an apology? Why not just move on without one? Why is that apology necessary for our relationship? Or, why did you have to butt your nose in a situation that doesn’t involve you, which ultimately makes the situation TEN TIMES WORSE?! Why is that necessary? Why is it necessary for you to put a condition on me to apologize, or acknowledge that I’ve done something wrong, when you are family and you’re supposed to love me no matter what?
Think about that. Have you done that to someone? We all have. I am doing it right now. I am not saying I am free of this ridiculous situation. I am holding a condition over someone right now. I am working on forgiving and letting it go, even though I do believe that this situation needs to be addressed and realized. And that there really should be an apology. But I know I probably won’t get any of that. And so I spend 2-5 minutes a day, sending this person love and kindness in meditation, hoping that they can start being happy with themselves, so they don’t feel the need to make other people miserable. This ties back to the quote above, about how we need to forgive the people who have wronged us, not necessarily for them, but for ourselves. Holding on to these things does us more harm than anyone else. If we all forgave and loved this world would be a much better place. If we love unconditionally, it would be a stronger place. If we just practiced love and kindness, we could change the world.
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