I spent time reflecting on 2014 as it was wrapping up and
while it was one of the most challenging years, it was also one filled with
learning and new ways to bring my meditation practice into a higher level.
The beginning of 2014 started lovely—we celebrated with
friends at Flagstaff’s famous pine cone drop, kissed my beloved, and was in aw
that it was already 2014.
In February The Vagina Monologues was performed and to see
my work and direction come alive on that stage (thanks to the amazing women
that performed) was one of the most amazing feelings. It was hard though—there were
agendas, drama, and life issues. I also decided to grow as a knitter!
I was going to start making more than just hats and scarves,
so I dived right on and made my first sweater.
Also in February, one of my dear friends got diagnosed with
breast cancer and the planning of removing her breasts, ovaries, and chemo was
discussed in length. I was happy to be there with her husband in the hospital
to offer support and distraction. I was even more happy to be there for her. We
weren’t the closets of friends, but that experience brought us closer together.
In March, my friend had her first mastectomy. A week later,
Nan died. To have lost someone I held so dear and close to my heart shook and
rattled my world. I’ve never lost someone I was close to, and to know that this
woman who treated me like her own daughter was no longer going to be in this
world broke and shattered my heart. There was so much emotion. All the time.
Overwhelming to the point where there were times I couldn’t get out of bed.
April was when I decided I needed to go to therapy. I needed
to talk to someone who was a professional, but also had a meditation practice.
Someone to help me figure out what the hell I am supposed to do. Of course, she
couldn’t tell me the answers, but we started to work together to try and figure
out what I can do to help myself.
I got a wonderful surprise in May when my beloved secretly
planned with my aunt and grandma to surprise me for my birthday. We got home
from work and then out popped my aunt and grandma. There was screaming, and
jumping up and down, and of course crying (because hello, I am highly emotional
right now). It was exactly what I needed to perk up my attitude.
June was a pretty quiet month. I started to feel like I
could breathe a bit more without this overwhelming sense of grief or sadness.
In July, we started a fish tank. It was a pretty exciting
event. It’s about 50 gallons and we found it a perfectly good tank for $20 at a
garage sale. And then a week later, we found the perfect solid wood bar for
$20, again at a garage sale.
August, my dad died. And with his death, came about a whole
new experience to dealing with grief. The thing with Nan that I felt ok with
is, she knew she was loved. She knew I loved her, her kids loved her, her
husband, her many, many friends. I knew that she felt our love when we were all
at the hospital and throughout her short life on this earth. With my dad, I
(still) don’t know if he knew he was loved. I was getting to the point where I
wanted to reach out more, do more, get to know my dad more. I was letting the
past stories slowly melt away so I could create my own story with my dad. And
now, I can’t. I try and not have guilt or regrets, knowing we loved each other
and that we did the best that we could, but man, was it crushing.
Also in August, my partners mom came to visit from the UK.
It was nice to have her here—we always have good conversation and I enjoy the
girl time we share with each other. I
was able to take time off this time around, so it was nice to spend quality
time with the two of them and be a little more included in the activities.
September was a pretty mellow month. I started belly dancing,
and it has become one of my favourite activities. It’s so much fun and my
lovely lady curves just go with it. It’s amazing.
October I traveled to Ohio for the annual Science Writers
Conference. I enjoy these conferences because I get so engulfed in Grand Canyon
science, that I forget that there are other people doing other really cool
things in the science fields.
At the end of October, my uncle had heart surgery to try and
fix his pacemaker. My uncle has been the only man to survive the ladies of the family,
and he’s been like a dad to me for my entire life.
November, a few days after my uncle had surgery, my grandma
had a stroke. Getting that phone call was hard. I wanted to curse at the world
and tell it to give me a freaking break. My grandma is one of the people I hold
so very, very, close to my heart. Luckily, my grandma is really healthy and it
was only a minor stroke, but a very large wake-up call to everyone in the
family. My grandma will be 87 this year, and we are all so lucky that she’s
still kicking and screaming and being her feisty self.
December was a mellow month. My uncle was put in a
rehabilitation center to try and get his strength back. He seems to be doing ok
now, but we just gotta take one day at a time.
I took two weeks off
work, so I only worked about 10 days in December. My partner and I don’t do
Christmas presents anymore, but rather be present with each other. I made a
delicious pot roast, pumpkin pie, and apple crisp, and a friend of ours brought
over a delicious red and green themed salad. We had a fire and talked about
life. It was a brilliant day and we even got a little snow.
New Years was spent at home, with a fire, knitting, and a
game. We played a game together and when the game was over, we looked at the
clock, saw that it said 12.02 we said happy New Year to each other, kissed, and
went to bed. It was the perfect New Year’s celebration for us this year, and I
am so thankful for it.
2015 is here, and I am trying not to cling to any outcome of
it. I do have goals (not resolutions), but goals to do this year. My first and
largest goal is to go abroad. We talked about our trip at the very beginning of
the year to make sure we were on the same path on what we wanted to do and
experience. We’re planning on going to the UK to visit his mom, and I want to
go to the Jane Austen House as well as Wendover Castle. We both want to go to
Bath and Wales. We then want to travel up to Scotland and just visit the
country side. Neither one of us is really interested in getting sucked into a
tourist trap, and I’d much rather visit little towns and the country than be
where a lot of people are. We were thinking about going to Ireland, but I think
we’re just gonna stick with the UK and Scotland, and maybe renting a car and
driving around Scotland so we can get to far off place.
My other goal is to be out of cc debt, which should happen
by February, so that will be nice to tick off. Once that’s done, I will be able
to save more money to be able to accomplish the big goal of going abroad.
Here’s to 2015 and whatever it may bring. I am trying not to hope or wish for anything,
but just to be present with whatever happens.
