Saturn return

“Saturn doesn’t ask us to give up our dreams, only to make them real” Steven Forrest I am currently going through my Saturn Return, and let me tell you, it’s been one hell of a journey so far. It has been putting me face-to-face with my deepest fears, stemming not only from lives past, but childhood. The pressure, emotions, fears, everything is seeping out and it feels insurmountable. I constantly have to take deep breaths and remind myself that it’s going to be ok. These are growing pains, and instead of running from them or suppressing them, I am trying my very best to deal with them as they arise. But sometimes, I just want a freaking break. I know that these growing pains are difficult—life has been difficult for a year and a half as I started navigating this “re-birth.” I am trying to gentle with myself and realize that navigating this fierce storm wisely will make me stronger, braver, and happier than ever thought possible. I’ve been working on me intensely for this last year and a half—I found an amazing therapist, I am trying to go deeper into my meditation and apply it to my life—the sleeves are rolled up and I am trying my best to dive into the work that needs to be done. I have been touching my Phoenix tattoo on my side a lot, remembering that when things fall apart (die), new things will fall into place. I’ve been working on feeling my feelings. The route I (and most people) take when they are scared or have fear or sadness, is to become angry. It’s much easier to get angry and yell then it is to really feel what I’m feeling. I have a whole lot of fear in me—about the lamest things that shouldn’t be a big deal. But I said it out loud this weekend, that these fears are real for me. THEY. ARE. REAL. FOR. ME. Of course, I was crying and having an intense conversation, but I said it. The amount of fear I have is astounding. My fear is all internal based on what past experiences have shown me when I have done or said something. Wanna jump out of a plane? I am ALL for it. Want me to tell you how I am really feeling? Naaaah, I don’t want to do that, I’d rather suppress it until it drives me batshit crazy and I explode. Not logical. Or healthy. And with this Cancer New Moon, I’ve already felt the effects from it. The Crab, the little creature who carries its home on its back, retreating into the home when it feels insecure, is something I can relate to. Working on this inner emotional security is hard freaking work. I have a partner that continues to be as understanding as he can be, and encourages me to speak my truth and let me be heard. I am lucky to have him and for him to support me in this rather painful journey. I also know that I am the one that has to do it—even with encouragement or support, it’s still me that has to take the steps and to do the work. So, I continue to work on it. I continue to realize that I will get through this, even if there are days it feels like I won’t. This work is so important, and so horrifying. I just have to take it one day at a time and one emotion at a time.

It's really happening! Traveling!

“Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.” – Mary Ritter Beard

It’s finally happening—we booked out tickets for a five week adventure in the UK in early June. I’ve been wanting to travel and explore with my beau for the past 4 years, but financially, it’s been impossible for me. I had a lot of dental work done the first year we lived together, accruing a massive credit card bill from putting it all on there. It’s taken me three years to get out of credit card debt.

Yes, I’ve learned my lesson.

In February of this year, I finally got out of credit card debt and have been living debt free since. We got this application called You Need a Budget (YNAB) that we’ve been using for all our purchases and expenses. It’s been a life saver because now I know how much money I actually have and what I can spend it on. Some months, I have only enough money to pay my bills and savings, other months I have a little bit of extra to spend on a book or a piece of music. Sometimes it’s hard to realize how little money I have, but then I remember that all my needs are being met and that’s something not a lot of people have the comfort of knowing.

Anyway, I’ve been saving for the trip as much as I can for the past few years. It started with just saving $20 every paycheck to increasing it slowly once I got out of debt. My goal was to have enough money to not accrue any debt for our trip—to have the trip already paid for—and I’ve accomplished that. I have four more paychecks until we leave, and I will have a decent amount of money (plus the paychecks I get while there (I forget that I get paid while on vacation)), to know that I will have everything covered financially. It’s a huge relief and I am so thankful that this is how I approached this trip. Before, I probably would have just spent the money without having it and then get back into credit card debt.

What’s also great is that while we will make wise decisions on how much we spend for lodging, food, activities, we will have this sense of ease knowing that between the two of us, we have a pretty large chunk of money to be comfortable and not worry about money. Because I’ve spend most of my 20’s in debt, I’ve always been worried about money. There are times that I still do worry, but it’s lessened quite a bit since February. Not having to worry about money or thinking constantly “how am I going to pay for this?” is going to bring so much lightness to our trip! We are planning on still using YNAB and spreadsheets for our trip to keep track of how much we’re spending. If we stay in mostly cheap places for most of the trip, maybe for a few nights we’ll splurge and stay in a really fancy B&B or something. This will also help us to know how much we’ll need the next time we go to Europe.

This trip is a lot of firsts. Here are a few:

The first time I go to Scotland and Wales! The first time I have traveled for more than a week! The first time I will be traveling with my beau for 5 weeks! The first time where nothing is planned—no agenda, no hotels booked (except when we arrive), no set plans, etc.! The first time I will drive in the UK!

I am trying to not get too excited and forget about the now, but looking at things on Pinterest and Google is so much fun! I remember installing a countdown application on my iPad when we first booked our tickets, and it was almost 100 days away when we booked our tickets. Now, it’s in the 50’s. I have a lot going on in the next 50+ days including going on the river for 8 days at the end of this month, and a meeting down in Phoenix 4 days before we leave!

This time will go fast—it already has! It’s already been 40 some-odd-days since we booked our tickets! I am looking forward to traveling and experiencing the beauty of this world.

I plan on taking a journal with us and filling it up as we go. It’s hard to take a trip and then try and remember everything, so I plan on taking time each evening and writing what we saw, what we did, maybe a picture, a flower, or something to remember this experience. I think we will both appreciate taking the time to reflect and taking turns documenting our experience on our trip. And what an awesome keepsake!

I am looking forward to this adventure and its many firsts. And most importantly, I am looking forward to simply being and experiencing! My goal is to be in the moment as much as I can, treating each day, each moment as if it is new (which it most likely will be). Our dharma talk last night was talking about how we label things and that takes away from it. I focused my practice on realizing that every in breath and out breath, while they appear to similar to the previous one, were in fact totally different. I hope to continue this clarity and bring it on our trip so I can treat each view, each experience, each morning, and each road trip as if it is totally and utterly brand new. To be present and enjoy, without necessarily labeling it anything.