Saturn return

“Saturn doesn’t ask us to give up our dreams, only to make them real” Steven Forrest I am currently going through my Saturn Return, and let me tell you, it’s been one hell of a journey so far. It has been putting me face-to-face with my deepest fears, stemming not only from lives past, but childhood. The pressure, emotions, fears, everything is seeping out and it feels insurmountable. I constantly have to take deep breaths and remind myself that it’s going to be ok. These are growing pains, and instead of running from them or suppressing them, I am trying my very best to deal with them as they arise. But sometimes, I just want a freaking break. I know that these growing pains are difficult—life has been difficult for a year and a half as I started navigating this “re-birth.” I am trying to gentle with myself and realize that navigating this fierce storm wisely will make me stronger, braver, and happier than ever thought possible. I’ve been working on me intensely for this last year and a half—I found an amazing therapist, I am trying to go deeper into my meditation and apply it to my life—the sleeves are rolled up and I am trying my best to dive into the work that needs to be done. I have been touching my Phoenix tattoo on my side a lot, remembering that when things fall apart (die), new things will fall into place. I’ve been working on feeling my feelings. The route I (and most people) take when they are scared or have fear or sadness, is to become angry. It’s much easier to get angry and yell then it is to really feel what I’m feeling. I have a whole lot of fear in me—about the lamest things that shouldn’t be a big deal. But I said it out loud this weekend, that these fears are real for me. THEY. ARE. REAL. FOR. ME. Of course, I was crying and having an intense conversation, but I said it. The amount of fear I have is astounding. My fear is all internal based on what past experiences have shown me when I have done or said something. Wanna jump out of a plane? I am ALL for it. Want me to tell you how I am really feeling? Naaaah, I don’t want to do that, I’d rather suppress it until it drives me batshit crazy and I explode. Not logical. Or healthy. And with this Cancer New Moon, I’ve already felt the effects from it. The Crab, the little creature who carries its home on its back, retreating into the home when it feels insecure, is something I can relate to. Working on this inner emotional security is hard freaking work. I have a partner that continues to be as understanding as he can be, and encourages me to speak my truth and let me be heard. I am lucky to have him and for him to support me in this rather painful journey. I also know that I am the one that has to do it—even with encouragement or support, it’s still me that has to take the steps and to do the work. So, I continue to work on it. I continue to realize that I will get through this, even if there are days it feels like I won’t. This work is so important, and so horrifying. I just have to take it one day at a time and one emotion at a time.