3-week itch

I am tired. Physically and mentally. I am drained. Sure, I wake up every morning, put on a smile and go charging out my house ready to conquer the day, but I feel gross. I haven't exercised in such a long time because after I deal with the craziness of work, I come home and deal with the craziness of my life in school. I am tired of school. Not really. I am tired of thesis work. I am tired of the research, of the revisions, of the editing, of just thinking about it.

I did, however, finish my last graduate class just a few moments ago. That's one giant relief, but now it is the end of the semester and I have to resubmit my thesis to my committee for another read through and hopefully be done and approved and ready to print. It is not going to perfect, I know this and I have come to terms with it. It is OK for something to NOT be perfect. It is ok.

what is perfect is the sound of Brandi Carlile's voice, which I get the pleasure of hearing in three weeks. There's a lot happening in three weeks. My wonderful family is coming, I am going SKYDIVING, I am going to Tucson to hear my most favourite musician, the woman who can make me cry and have her words hit spots of my soul I didn't think existed, and then I am graduating on Saturday and celebrating with all the ones I hold near and dear to my heart. It is a lot, and there is a lot that still needs to be done. But it is getting there. Just not at the speed I want it. Which, of course, is typical. Because honestly, does it ever go the pace you want it to.

So. Three weeks. Till freedom. I can smell it. Just a little.

I did it!

I passed. Holy shit I passed! Can I just tell you how fucking incredible this feels?! Because words cannot describe what I am feeling. At all. I am still in shock.

I went out with someone very important to me last night where I told him all about the defense. He was so very excited for me and gave me a big hug. He also treated me to a well deserved beer and some delicious Thai food. He was pretty much as excited as I was when I told him I passed... He knows what I have been going through and all the late nights, cry-fests, and the anxiety I have felt about it. I don't think I have ever -not- mentioned what I was doing with it or how it was going. He always asked, which means so much to me.

So let me tell you how it went.

I took Wednesday and Thursday off to prep for the defense. I had to make a slideshow presentation, which I suck at, and I honestly didn't want to deal with work this week. So I worked two days and called it good. Yesterday, I started the day with getting a haircut and getting my makeup done so I didn't walk in with crazy huge hair. It was a nice treat. However, I came home to an email from my professor who basically told me there were parts of my thesis that did not work... that were done poorly, that were going to be brought up in the presentation as needing a lot of work. So this caused a massive anxiety attack and I kept telling myself to not cry because it would ruin my makeup and if I went and presented with puffy eyes, I wouldn't come off as confident. I needed to come off as confident. This is my freaking baby; I am in a relationship with this thing, so I know it like the back side of my hand. So I freak out, send her an email saying "ok. Well now I am freaking the fuck out" (minus the F-word). She wrote back, "Don't freak out. You can do that later." Hello?! Seriously?! You're gonna say that to me right before I defend?! And by right before, I mean an hour before my defense.

I work on my power point a bit more, and head over the English department where I set up my powerpoint, talk to myself for a bit, shake my arms and legs and try to calm the nerves. I talk to my advisor and we go over the procedure. My professor who has been supportive and essentially gave me the job at GCMRC showed up, which was totally shocking and surprising and frightening. I NEVER want to let that man down... I want him to always be proud of me, so I was taken by surprise when he showed up and just added that much pressure.

I present for about 15-20 minutes, and all I keep thinking about if that I am fucking with my hands, talking with my hands, choking on my words and SALIVA because I want to piss my pants. My professor asks a few questions and then he leaves. Next, the committee and I discuss my thesis and they ask me a bunch of questions and give me a lot of constructive criticism as how to improve my thesis and what I need to change before they sign off on it.

Then. THEN! I sit outside. It wasn't long... I was so excited to be done and I was excited I was confident in my presentation. I was out there for maybe a minute. My advisor brought my back in and said I passed. I shook everyone's hands and said thank yous and was elated! ELATED!!

The rest of the committee members lefts and my advisor and I spoke for awhile. She basically told me I was most likely going to fail that morning; that they were not very sure what the point of my thesis was and they didn't think it was clear. But... BUT!!! My freaking PowerPoint kicked ass and blew them out of the water and the really understood and got the purpose of my thesis. So essentially, my PowerPoint saved me ass from having to be here for another semester. HELLL YESSSS. She said she was very proud of me and was very surprised by my presentation and how well I did. I gave her a huge hug and said many thanks.

So that's that. I was close to failing, but apparently I make a mean PowerPoint and present information well, answer questions well and in confidence, and I am amazing.

Now, all I have to do is make the revisions, have someone edit for grammatical problems, and then I am done. Still hoping by the end of the month. I think it is doable. I know it is doable.

And now, I can breathe a little easier knowing I am going to pass. I fell asleep instantly last night when I hit the bed. I didn't even wake up when someone was climbing all over the bed putting a blanket over the windows. I was out. It was probably the best sleep I have gotten this entire semester. And I feel about 20 pounds lighter... 20 pounds of anxiety. Whew.

I. Fucking. Rock.

tomorrow

Tomorrow I defend my thesis. Tomorrow at 3 pm I present my thesis that I have spent the past two years on. It is unreal and exciting and freaking nerve-racking. Like whoa. Sure, I got freaked out with huge tests and papers, but this is a freak out like nothing I have experienced. Getting through this will be so important to me. Being able to stand in front of my committee members and talk about my thesis, my baby, my life-sucking project for 20-30 minutes, and answer questions intelligently. It's insane that I am at this point in my life and I did it by myself, not depending on anyone else but me. I feel strong, empowered, PROUD... this experience, while I view it now as a pain in the ass, is something that no one can take away from me. The M.A. that will soon be after my name is mine, and mine forever... no one can take that away from me. Money comes and go, friends come and go, spouses come and go, but this degree, this experience is something that will be held onto forever. This is something that NO ONE can ever steal from me.

Wish me luck.

The goal

So, the goal, or rather, the pressure I created for myself was to have my thesis done and printed by the end of the month. I wanted to be done editing, making revisions, DEFENDING, and have it all wrapped with a god damn bow on it at the end of the month. This, at first, seemed reasonable. Then, I started freakingthefuckout because holy crap, writing a thesis is hard work. So I have spent the past three weeks extremely tired; emotionally, physically, and most of all, mentally. I have spent way too many nights staring at this damn little screen wanting to cry at 3 in the morning. The only time I do get to sleep more than 5 hours is on the weekends, and even that is questionable sometimes. Right before I got to bed at night I think about my thesis. As soon as I wake up I think about my thesis. It's like I am in a relationship with my thesis. Which, I suppose I am. But it is a relationship I want to end so I can be proud, give myself a slap on the back and be at ease. My shoulders are so tight no one can touch them because it hurts too bad. I think about my thesis probably 10,000 times a day. It really is a constant in my brain.

But, and this is a good but, I have my defense next Friday at 3pm. So the goal/pressure I put on myself is actually working out. I should have it printed off by the end of the month. Which gives me two weeks to regroup and prepare for being done with school and celebrating. I am super nervous about the defense. I love the three women on my committee; they have seen me grow and become the person I am today. My committee chair has known me for FIVE years! She has seen me in my darkest days. In fact, I met with her last Thursday at Barnes and Noble and she was running late so I took out my Kindle to do some reading. But you want to know what happened? I feel asleep. Right there at B&N. I am not the type of person to sleep anywhere but my bed; I can't even sleep on a plane to and from England. But I for sure fell asleep at B&N. I jolted awake and she was sitting there, staring at me. She asked how the book was. I said I fell asleep, and she said "I know, it will be done soon." I told her we will be needing to have a drink when this fucker is printed. It isn't that long, but it has taken me two years. So, I will need to make a PowerPoint and create a one page little reminder of my thesis and the points I want to discuss. Then I present for about 20-30 minutes, they put me in the hallway for 10-15 minutes. Once they are done talking about what they are going to do that weekend, they will say I passed or failed. They will come get me and tell me, to my face, if it is a YAY or a NAY! Nerve racking. Like real bad. I have taken that Wednesday and Thursday off to get shit together, maybe go do some yoga and get a massage to prepare myself for the defense. I shouldn't be nervous because I know these women, but my fate, my graduation rests in their hands. So that Friday, I plan on celebrating on my awesome, kickass job, holy shit I am going to graduate thesis, or I plan on drinking on my, goddamnitihavetorewritetheentirethingandhopeigraduate thesis.

I am sure I will pass. But, I am a realist and try to stay firmly grounded and realize it could really go either way.

So, since I can't really -do- any thesis work till I get my committee's revisions back (hopefully next week), I am going to Phoenix to spend some quality time with DK and have some fun. I am very much looking forward to it since the last time I saw her was for the half marathon in January. It will be good to spend some time with her and just take it easy. And sleep. And have some awesome coffee and conversations.

I also got my tickets for graduation. And pictures taken for the invites. Super stoked.