The goal

So, the goal, or rather, the pressure I created for myself was to have my thesis done and printed by the end of the month. I wanted to be done editing, making revisions, DEFENDING, and have it all wrapped with a god damn bow on it at the end of the month. This, at first, seemed reasonable. Then, I started freakingthefuckout because holy crap, writing a thesis is hard work. So I have spent the past three weeks extremely tired; emotionally, physically, and most of all, mentally. I have spent way too many nights staring at this damn little screen wanting to cry at 3 in the morning. The only time I do get to sleep more than 5 hours is on the weekends, and even that is questionable sometimes. Right before I got to bed at night I think about my thesis. As soon as I wake up I think about my thesis. It's like I am in a relationship with my thesis. Which, I suppose I am. But it is a relationship I want to end so I can be proud, give myself a slap on the back and be at ease. My shoulders are so tight no one can touch them because it hurts too bad. I think about my thesis probably 10,000 times a day. It really is a constant in my brain.

But, and this is a good but, I have my defense next Friday at 3pm. So the goal/pressure I put on myself is actually working out. I should have it printed off by the end of the month. Which gives me two weeks to regroup and prepare for being done with school and celebrating. I am super nervous about the defense. I love the three women on my committee; they have seen me grow and become the person I am today. My committee chair has known me for FIVE years! She has seen me in my darkest days. In fact, I met with her last Thursday at Barnes and Noble and she was running late so I took out my Kindle to do some reading. But you want to know what happened? I feel asleep. Right there at B&N. I am not the type of person to sleep anywhere but my bed; I can't even sleep on a plane to and from England. But I for sure fell asleep at B&N. I jolted awake and she was sitting there, staring at me. She asked how the book was. I said I fell asleep, and she said "I know, it will be done soon." I told her we will be needing to have a drink when this fucker is printed. It isn't that long, but it has taken me two years. So, I will need to make a PowerPoint and create a one page little reminder of my thesis and the points I want to discuss. Then I present for about 20-30 minutes, they put me in the hallway for 10-15 minutes. Once they are done talking about what they are going to do that weekend, they will say I passed or failed. They will come get me and tell me, to my face, if it is a YAY or a NAY! Nerve racking. Like real bad. I have taken that Wednesday and Thursday off to get shit together, maybe go do some yoga and get a massage to prepare myself for the defense. I shouldn't be nervous because I know these women, but my fate, my graduation rests in their hands. So that Friday, I plan on celebrating on my awesome, kickass job, holy shit I am going to graduate thesis, or I plan on drinking on my, goddamnitihavetorewritetheentirethingandhopeigraduate thesis.

I am sure I will pass. But, I am a realist and try to stay firmly grounded and realize it could really go either way.

So, since I can't really -do- any thesis work till I get my committee's revisions back (hopefully next week), I am going to Phoenix to spend some quality time with DK and have some fun. I am very much looking forward to it since the last time I saw her was for the half marathon in January. It will be good to spend some time with her and just take it easy. And sleep. And have some awesome coffee and conversations.

I also got my tickets for graduation. And pictures taken for the invites. Super stoked.