I did it!

I passed. Holy shit I passed! Can I just tell you how fucking incredible this feels?! Because words cannot describe what I am feeling. At all. I am still in shock.

I went out with someone very important to me last night where I told him all about the defense. He was so very excited for me and gave me a big hug. He also treated me to a well deserved beer and some delicious Thai food. He was pretty much as excited as I was when I told him I passed... He knows what I have been going through and all the late nights, cry-fests, and the anxiety I have felt about it. I don't think I have ever -not- mentioned what I was doing with it or how it was going. He always asked, which means so much to me.

So let me tell you how it went.

I took Wednesday and Thursday off to prep for the defense. I had to make a slideshow presentation, which I suck at, and I honestly didn't want to deal with work this week. So I worked two days and called it good. Yesterday, I started the day with getting a haircut and getting my makeup done so I didn't walk in with crazy huge hair. It was a nice treat. However, I came home to an email from my professor who basically told me there were parts of my thesis that did not work... that were done poorly, that were going to be brought up in the presentation as needing a lot of work. So this caused a massive anxiety attack and I kept telling myself to not cry because it would ruin my makeup and if I went and presented with puffy eyes, I wouldn't come off as confident. I needed to come off as confident. This is my freaking baby; I am in a relationship with this thing, so I know it like the back side of my hand. So I freak out, send her an email saying "ok. Well now I am freaking the fuck out" (minus the F-word). She wrote back, "Don't freak out. You can do that later." Hello?! Seriously?! You're gonna say that to me right before I defend?! And by right before, I mean an hour before my defense.

I work on my power point a bit more, and head over the English department where I set up my powerpoint, talk to myself for a bit, shake my arms and legs and try to calm the nerves. I talk to my advisor and we go over the procedure. My professor who has been supportive and essentially gave me the job at GCMRC showed up, which was totally shocking and surprising and frightening. I NEVER want to let that man down... I want him to always be proud of me, so I was taken by surprise when he showed up and just added that much pressure.

I present for about 15-20 minutes, and all I keep thinking about if that I am fucking with my hands, talking with my hands, choking on my words and SALIVA because I want to piss my pants. My professor asks a few questions and then he leaves. Next, the committee and I discuss my thesis and they ask me a bunch of questions and give me a lot of constructive criticism as how to improve my thesis and what I need to change before they sign off on it.

Then. THEN! I sit outside. It wasn't long... I was so excited to be done and I was excited I was confident in my presentation. I was out there for maybe a minute. My advisor brought my back in and said I passed. I shook everyone's hands and said thank yous and was elated! ELATED!!

The rest of the committee members lefts and my advisor and I spoke for awhile. She basically told me I was most likely going to fail that morning; that they were not very sure what the point of my thesis was and they didn't think it was clear. But... BUT!!! My freaking PowerPoint kicked ass and blew them out of the water and the really understood and got the purpose of my thesis. So essentially, my PowerPoint saved me ass from having to be here for another semester. HELLL YESSSS. She said she was very proud of me and was very surprised by my presentation and how well I did. I gave her a huge hug and said many thanks.

So that's that. I was close to failing, but apparently I make a mean PowerPoint and present information well, answer questions well and in confidence, and I am amazing.

Now, all I have to do is make the revisions, have someone edit for grammatical problems, and then I am done. Still hoping by the end of the month. I think it is doable. I know it is doable.

And now, I can breathe a little easier knowing I am going to pass. I fell asleep instantly last night when I hit the bed. I didn't even wake up when someone was climbing all over the bed putting a blanket over the windows. I was out. It was probably the best sleep I have gotten this entire semester. And I feel about 20 pounds lighter... 20 pounds of anxiety. Whew.

I. Fucking. Rock.