Me, Myself, and I

I had an evolutionary astrology reading a few weeks ago. My partner gave me a gift certificate for my birthday, and since things have been a little… off, I thought it would be a good time to get the reading done. I am unsure how many people follow, or believe in astrology, but I am a firm believer in it. My birthday was in May, May 20^th to be exact, and on that day, the 3^rd Uranus Pluto square dropped. Donna Steele gave me fair warning that this year was going to be an interesting and a very challenging year for me, and while I believed her, I didn’t think it would be so instant. It felt like some comet had come down and crashed down around me, and then little ones continually dropping all around me.

My communication was all screwy, I was an emotional train wreck, I would just start crying for no real reason, I was getting irritated and mad… there was just so much all at once. Now, I know that I tend to hold everything inside me for a good six months, and then I have an emotional breakdown. But this was just not the norm. So I made my appointment, and it was perfect timing.

I’ve had an interesting life. A lot of things have happened to me, from a very young age, and while I know “everything happens for a reason,” part of me kept wondering, “WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!”

I have been in a series of shitty relationships. In fact, all of my relationships with people were pretty bad. I got involved with people who weren’t ready for a commitment, I got involved with people who could never love me for me, etc. etc. But then I realized, after the last heartbreak, that I needed to look inside of myself. I needed to love myself completely and fully before I could expect anyone to ever love me.

So, I took a two year break and worked on rebuilding what I had broken for years. It was hard, it sucked, and it was extremely painful. I suppose you can suspect that when you have to build yourself up from the crumbled bricks. I focused on school, on learning as much as I could about my degree and what I wanted to do with my life. I focused on myself for the first time in what seemed like YEARS. I bought myself some nice shoes, some nice clothes, I lost some weight (only to gain it back a bit later, but hey, post breakup weight loss always adds to feeling good about yourself). I really took the time to figure out who I was and what my goals in life were. I did this at the ripe age of 23.

Now, I know that I am still technically “young” in regards to the year I was born, but I have lived a life that most people couldn’t imagine living. And I am thankful for that because I have come out solid, I know how to deal with things (mostly), and I know who my true friends and family are. I may be young in this life, but my soul is old, really old as Donna told me during my reading. I always knew it, but sometimes I just like having that “without a doubt” idea. I have lived through many life times, and a lot of the reasons why I am the way I am and act the way that I act, is that I have been suppressed for all of my lifetimes. I have been ruled by the male patriarchal bullshit that ran and continues to run this society. So I have broken out of it.

I don’t practice any religion, I wasn’t baptized in any form, I don’t believe in a “God,” or what Western society views as a “God,” but I do believe of a higher divine, some sort of energy out there. I don’t believe in the sanction of marriage, and I have chosen not to participate in it (I don’t believe the state or church has any right in relationships, especially mine). I have chosen not to procreate because the way this society is going, I don’t want a kid growing up in it. I am also selfish.

Selfish is sometimes used negatively, and while there are people who are in fact the negative idea of selfish, I don’t view myself as being selfish negatively. It is self-first. I have learned to put myself first. I have been extremely co-dependent my entire life and I am still in some ways (one of my emotional break downs was my partner thinking about going on a trip without me. That brought up my abandonment issues, as well as my co-dependent habits of needing to be with someone always), but I am working on not being co-dependent. Because what I have learned, and have been told, is that I only need myself to survive. I am capable of doing whatever it is I need to survive, to live, to love, to travel, to do anything and everything that I want. Sure, it would be nice to have someone there to enjoy it with, but it isn’t a necessity. I am the only person who has control of what my life is, how my life is, and how to live this life that I have been given. So when I say I am selfish, I mean it the way that most people don’t think of—I put myself first, and will always try to put myself first.

I have learned that you have to respect and love yourself first, before you can expect anyone else to. And that’s what I have done. I took the time to really get to know me, to put the pieces back together, and become a person I would like. I spent a lot of time working on me, working on what I broke, because I know that I let myself get broken. And by taking this time for myself, I found someone who feels the same way. He also puts himself first, he loves himself, respects himself, and therefore, our relationship works. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, and perhaps maybe for him too. And I have to say, that after having my reading with Donna, both of us understand me a little bit better, which makes it easy to just deal with things.

My almost three-hour consultation with Donna was all about me. About me and my need to break free from co-dependence; for me to realize that I am all that I’ll ever need; for me to realize that I am a smart and powerful woman and I am so much more than I realize. I am so thankful for this reading—it came at a perfect time and has cleared things up. This has made my relationship not just with me, but with my partner so much easier. I shared most of my reading with him to let him know me a little bit more, and I think by knowing this it will make things a lot easier and less complicated. My soul journey for this life time is for me. For I am the only one that truly matters.

Societal Views and Discrimination

A lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, or getting pregnant/having babies. I couldn’t be more thrilled for my friends. I am excited to partake in my friend Heather’s wedding next year. Heather and I met back in Wolverhampton, UK during our study abroad semester. She’s the only person I have kept in touch with and I couldn’t be happier for her. I think finding love is an amazing thing, and I wish it for everyone.

While I show my enthusiasm for my friends who are partaking in these events, I am often met with a complete opposite reaction when my partner and I say we don’t plan on getting married, having kids, etc. etc. It’s not what we want, nor do we think it is necessary to get married in order to prove your commitment to someone. We don’t want kids for multiple reasons. I am not going to speak for him directly, but for me, I want to travel the world, I want to explore and get to know as many cultures as I can. And I think our society is so screwed up right now, I am not sure I want to bring an innocent creature into it. I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Sure, a lot of parents do this regardless of their children, but I just don’t want that responsibility. I also feel absolutely no desire to procreate. Sure, we’d make smashingly good kids, and our kids would be open minded and help society, but it’s just not appealing. If, by some miracle we do change our minds, I think both of us would be more willing to adopt a kid who doesn’t have a home, than create our own.

Anyway, I have become very used to strangers or acquaintances to react maybe not so positively when we say we are not getting married or having kids. Everyone is allowed to have their feelings upon the subject, but what I am finding a little more difficult to deal with is friends who react negatively to this information. And I understand that we are not your “generic” couple. We are not planning on living the “generic” lifestyle. We simply don’t find that attractive or necessary, like I’ve said before. It also drives me crazy when people call me young and that I will change my mind. Yes, I am a mere 27 year old, but I am certain of what I do and do not want. Why don’t people get that?

I would be more willing to get married if the views and understandings of marriage changed in society. And even more so if EVERYONE could marry the person they wanted, regardless of their gender. Sure, I’d partake in a spiritual ceremony, but the institute of marriage is something I am not interested in. We have grown up with what is and is not acceptable for wives and husbands to do in marriages. It’s similar to gender roles: men take out the garbage, repair things around the house, and women clean, cook, raise children, garden, etc. etc. No thank you. I will take out my own damn trash and replace my own damn flat tire, thankyouverymuch.

To get back to the point, it is rather heartbreaking and disappointing that friends are so quick to judge based on what I want in my life. And I really dislike being spoken to like I don’t know what I am talking about. I think a lot of this has to do with age, and I am sorry, but I feel like I am much more mature than most 30-something year olds. Age is just a number and has nothing to do with the maturity level of an individual. I am very confident about myself and what I want, and I don’t think anyone else has the right to think or say otherwise. But they do, and that’s ok. I try not to take it personally or get upset, and I am usually pretty good about it, but the energy of people change when they ask those questions and you say no to them all. The atmosphere changes and then they get quite and don’t really say anything because we now no longer have ANYTHING in common.

I asked my doctor the last time I had my lovely woman exam if we could explore more permanent options in regards to not having children. Her response, “you’re too young to make those decisions.” I am sorry, but no. If a woman the same age as me, with a child or 12 were to ask her the same question, she’d be all about it! “Sure we can discuss that! I think that’s great that you know you don’t want any more children.” The only difference is that this person already has children; therefore it is ok to have this woman permanently sterilized at the same age as I am. There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with our medical industry. If I know for a fact that both my partner and I do not want to have children, I think that should be a “smart decision” as well. I live in Arizona, one of the most conservative places in this country at the moment, and women’s rights in this state seem to be going down a drain, and that’s horrifying to me.  It is almost like discrimination. Actually… it IS discrimination, and it’s bullshit. Now, I know that people will say, “try an IUD” and I go, “I did! My body rejected it in a month and it was the most horrible experience of my life. I had to pull it out of my own cervix.” I am currently on the pill now, which is fine, but I would rather not be taking pharmaceutical drugs. They’re bad for the body, and it is has come to attention that women who do take oral contraceptives have a 40% higher chance of getting breast cancer. Sure, I could go the natural route and check my fluids and keep track of the moon, and etc. etc., but my body doesn’t work like the other women out there. And I don’t think it is a legitimate argument that you can tell by the mucus, because my mucus, while being on the pill, still has the consistency of ovulating. We are all individuals, all different; therefore, it is unfair and unrealistic that the natural way is the right way for everyone. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Yes, I am ranting now, and I will bring it back, but I get so upset at the fact that I am considered too young to make these decisions about my body. Or wanting to get married. Or eating the way I do. We all get to make our own decisions in this life, and even though I don’t believe in marriage, I don’t ever get disappointed that my friends decide to partake in it. I don’t get upset or disappointed when my friends decide to procreate and I don’t. I am so HAPPY for them. I just wish it was reciprocal towards me.

And then I realize, I do have some friends that are totally supportive of my decision and say the only reason why they are slightly disappointed in my decision to not have children, is that I am smart and open minded, and we need more people like that to be having children. That is a nice compliment, but what is even nicer is that they still love me and are thankful that at least I know what I want, and am 100% positive in that.

So as I continue to enter my late 20’s and early 30’s, I suspect I will be going to a lot of weddings, and I can’t wait to celebrate with my friends. And I’ll continue to love my partner whole heartedly and be committed to him, and making sure we continue to live the life WE want.