A lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, or getting pregnant/having babies. I couldn’t be more thrilled for my friends. I am excited to partake in my friend Heather’s wedding next year. Heather and I met back in Wolverhampton, UK during our study abroad semester. She’s the only person I have kept in touch with and I couldn’t be happier for her. I think finding love is an amazing thing, and I wish it for everyone.
While I show my enthusiasm for my friends who are partaking in these events, I am often met with a complete opposite reaction when my partner and I say we don’t plan on getting married, having kids, etc. etc. It’s not what we want, nor do we think it is necessary to get married in order to prove your commitment to someone. We don’t want kids for multiple reasons. I am not going to speak for him directly, but for me, I want to travel the world, I want to explore and get to know as many cultures as I can. And I think our society is so screwed up right now, I am not sure I want to bring an innocent creature into it. I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Sure, a lot of parents do this regardless of their children, but I just don’t want that responsibility. I also feel absolutely no desire to procreate. Sure, we’d make smashingly good kids, and our kids would be open minded and help society, but it’s just not appealing. If, by some miracle we do change our minds, I think both of us would be more willing to adopt a kid who doesn’t have a home, than create our own.
Anyway, I have become very used to strangers or acquaintances to react maybe not so positively when we say we are not getting married or having kids. Everyone is allowed to have their feelings upon the subject, but what I am finding a little more difficult to deal with is friends who react negatively to this information. And I understand that we are not your “generic” couple. We are not planning on living the “generic” lifestyle. We simply don’t find that attractive or necessary, like I’ve said before. It also drives me crazy when people call me young and that I will change my mind. Yes, I am a mere 27 year old, but I am certain of what I do and do not want. Why don’t people get that?
I would be more willing to get married if the views and understandings of marriage changed in society. And even more so if EVERYONE could marry the person they wanted, regardless of their gender. Sure, I’d partake in a spiritual ceremony, but the institute of marriage is something I am not interested in. We have grown up with what is and is not acceptable for wives and husbands to do in marriages. It’s similar to gender roles: men take out the garbage, repair things around the house, and women clean, cook, raise children, garden, etc. etc. No thank you. I will take out my own damn trash and replace my own damn flat tire, thankyouverymuch.
To get back to the point, it is rather heartbreaking and disappointing that friends are so quick to judge based on what I want in my life. And I really dislike being spoken to like I don’t know what I am talking about. I think a lot of this has to do with age, and I am sorry, but I feel like I am much more mature than most 30-something year olds. Age is just a number and has nothing to do with the maturity level of an individual. I am very confident about myself and what I want, and I don’t think anyone else has the right to think or say otherwise. But they do, and that’s ok. I try not to take it personally or get upset, and I am usually pretty good about it, but the energy of people change when they ask those questions and you say no to them all. The atmosphere changes and then they get quite and don’t really say anything because we now no longer have ANYTHING in common.
I asked my doctor the last time I had my lovely woman exam if we could explore more permanent options in regards to not having children. Her response, “you’re too young to make those decisions.” I am sorry, but no. If a woman the same age as me, with a child or 12 were to ask her the same question, she’d be all about it! “Sure we can discuss that! I think that’s great that you know you don’t want any more children.” The only difference is that this person already has children; therefore it is ok to have this woman permanently sterilized at the same age as I am. There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with our medical industry. If I know for a fact that both my partner and I do not want to have children, I think that should be a “smart decision” as well. I live in Arizona, one of the most conservative places in this country at the moment, and women’s rights in this state seem to be going down a drain, and that’s horrifying to me. It is almost like discrimination. Actually… it IS discrimination, and it’s bullshit. Now, I know that people will say, “try an IUD” and I go, “I did! My body rejected it in a month and it was the most horrible experience of my life. I had to pull it out of my own cervix.” I am currently on the pill now, which is fine, but I would rather not be taking pharmaceutical drugs. They’re bad for the body, and it is has come to attention that women who do take oral contraceptives have a 40% higher chance of getting breast cancer. Sure, I could go the natural route and check my fluids and keep track of the moon, and etc. etc., but my body doesn’t work like the other women out there. And I don’t think it is a legitimate argument that you can tell by the mucus, because my mucus, while being on the pill, still has the consistency of ovulating. We are all individuals, all different; therefore, it is unfair and unrealistic that the natural way is the right way for everyone. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Yes, I am ranting now, and I will bring it back, but I get so upset at the fact that I am considered too young to make these decisions about my body. Or wanting to get married. Or eating the way I do. We all get to make our own decisions in this life, and even though I don’t believe in marriage, I don’t ever get disappointed that my friends decide to partake in it. I don’t get upset or disappointed when my friends decide to procreate and I don’t. I am so HAPPY for them. I just wish it was reciprocal towards me.
And then I realize, I do have some friends that are totally supportive of my decision and say the only reason why they are slightly disappointed in my decision to not have children, is that I am smart and open minded, and we need more people like that to be having children. That is a nice compliment, but what is even nicer is that they still love me and are thankful that at least I know what I want, and am 100% positive in that.
So as I continue to enter my late 20’s and early 30’s, I suspect I will be going to a lot of weddings, and I can’t wait to celebrate with my friends. And I’ll continue to love my partner whole heartedly and be committed to him, and making sure we continue to live the life WE want.
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