Me, Myself, and I

I had an evolutionary astrology reading a few weeks ago. My partner gave me a gift certificate for my birthday, and since things have been a little… off, I thought it would be a good time to get the reading done. I am unsure how many people follow, or believe in astrology, but I am a firm believer in it. My birthday was in May, May 20^th to be exact, and on that day, the 3^rd Uranus Pluto square dropped. Donna Steele gave me fair warning that this year was going to be an interesting and a very challenging year for me, and while I believed her, I didn’t think it would be so instant. It felt like some comet had come down and crashed down around me, and then little ones continually dropping all around me.

My communication was all screwy, I was an emotional train wreck, I would just start crying for no real reason, I was getting irritated and mad… there was just so much all at once. Now, I know that I tend to hold everything inside me for a good six months, and then I have an emotional breakdown. But this was just not the norm. So I made my appointment, and it was perfect timing.

I’ve had an interesting life. A lot of things have happened to me, from a very young age, and while I know “everything happens for a reason,” part of me kept wondering, “WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!”

I have been in a series of shitty relationships. In fact, all of my relationships with people were pretty bad. I got involved with people who weren’t ready for a commitment, I got involved with people who could never love me for me, etc. etc. But then I realized, after the last heartbreak, that I needed to look inside of myself. I needed to love myself completely and fully before I could expect anyone to ever love me.

So, I took a two year break and worked on rebuilding what I had broken for years. It was hard, it sucked, and it was extremely painful. I suppose you can suspect that when you have to build yourself up from the crumbled bricks. I focused on school, on learning as much as I could about my degree and what I wanted to do with my life. I focused on myself for the first time in what seemed like YEARS. I bought myself some nice shoes, some nice clothes, I lost some weight (only to gain it back a bit later, but hey, post breakup weight loss always adds to feeling good about yourself). I really took the time to figure out who I was and what my goals in life were. I did this at the ripe age of 23.

Now, I know that I am still technically “young” in regards to the year I was born, but I have lived a life that most people couldn’t imagine living. And I am thankful for that because I have come out solid, I know how to deal with things (mostly), and I know who my true friends and family are. I may be young in this life, but my soul is old, really old as Donna told me during my reading. I always knew it, but sometimes I just like having that “without a doubt” idea. I have lived through many life times, and a lot of the reasons why I am the way I am and act the way that I act, is that I have been suppressed for all of my lifetimes. I have been ruled by the male patriarchal bullshit that ran and continues to run this society. So I have broken out of it.

I don’t practice any religion, I wasn’t baptized in any form, I don’t believe in a “God,” or what Western society views as a “God,” but I do believe of a higher divine, some sort of energy out there. I don’t believe in the sanction of marriage, and I have chosen not to participate in it (I don’t believe the state or church has any right in relationships, especially mine). I have chosen not to procreate because the way this society is going, I don’t want a kid growing up in it. I am also selfish.

Selfish is sometimes used negatively, and while there are people who are in fact the negative idea of selfish, I don’t view myself as being selfish negatively. It is self-first. I have learned to put myself first. I have been extremely co-dependent my entire life and I am still in some ways (one of my emotional break downs was my partner thinking about going on a trip without me. That brought up my abandonment issues, as well as my co-dependent habits of needing to be with someone always), but I am working on not being co-dependent. Because what I have learned, and have been told, is that I only need myself to survive. I am capable of doing whatever it is I need to survive, to live, to love, to travel, to do anything and everything that I want. Sure, it would be nice to have someone there to enjoy it with, but it isn’t a necessity. I am the only person who has control of what my life is, how my life is, and how to live this life that I have been given. So when I say I am selfish, I mean it the way that most people don’t think of—I put myself first, and will always try to put myself first.

I have learned that you have to respect and love yourself first, before you can expect anyone else to. And that’s what I have done. I took the time to really get to know me, to put the pieces back together, and become a person I would like. I spent a lot of time working on me, working on what I broke, because I know that I let myself get broken. And by taking this time for myself, I found someone who feels the same way. He also puts himself first, he loves himself, respects himself, and therefore, our relationship works. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, and perhaps maybe for him too. And I have to say, that after having my reading with Donna, both of us understand me a little bit better, which makes it easy to just deal with things.

My almost three-hour consultation with Donna was all about me. About me and my need to break free from co-dependence; for me to realize that I am all that I’ll ever need; for me to realize that I am a smart and powerful woman and I am so much more than I realize. I am so thankful for this reading—it came at a perfect time and has cleared things up. This has made my relationship not just with me, but with my partner so much easier. I shared most of my reading with him to let him know me a little bit more, and I think by knowing this it will make things a lot easier and less complicated. My soul journey for this life time is for me. For I am the only one that truly matters.