Where does the time go

Morning

Navajo Bridge

Cruising down the river

I always have the intention to blog pretty regularly, but I’d much rather live life than talk about it sometimes. A lot has happened since the last post when I mentioned I was going on the Colorado River. For one, I went on the Colorado River and there are no words to describe the beauty of the river and the landscape. It made me feel so small, and so unimportant. The Grand Canyon will always be something people hear about, know about, and have visited. It’s so old and unique. When other people have pictures that say things like “the so-so Grand Canyon” I always look and go, “how does that compare to the real Grand Canyon?!”

At Camp

The trip was wonderful. I was sick for all of it, but that didn’t stop me from helping hoop new and trammel net fish. We got stormed on the first three or four days we were there, often leaving me really cold and wet. Luckily the group I was with took really good care of me and when we got dumped on, they pulled me up and made me change into dry clothes. The one night I participated in Trammel netting we got DUMPED on to the point where our boatman couldn’t drive. So we just sat there in the rain. Thankfully, the boatman had a HUGE umbrella that we were able to hide under, but that didn’t stop us from getting soaked.  The Colorado River got pretty muddy and dirty and we didn’t Trammel net the rest of the time (thank goodness, cause trammel netting sucks). But, I caught my first Flannel mouth sucker and gave it a kiss, caught a humpback chub, bluehead sucker, and a lot of trout. It was so cool to be part of that. I hope to go back this spring for another trip.

Red Wall

The hike out of the canyon wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Yes, it was a steep elevation climb (1 mile up, to be exact) but luckily the 8 miles it takes to climb up that 1 mile elevation change is spread out. I did it in 4 hours, which was my goal. I wasn’t sore afterwards, which is really shocking! I was expecting to be really sore and in a lot of pain. But, I guess I am in better shape than I though. Once we got up the Bright Angel Trail, there were SO MANY PEOPLE. After being on the river and only seeing the same 10 people, coming back to civilization was a bit overwhelming.  But, the memories that I made on that trip will always be in my mind. I can see why people get addicted to the canyon—there’s something so magical about it, something so enlightening.

I returned from the river trip, and then I started planning for Florida. I attended my first conference ever (talk about feeling like an adult) on Science Writing, which was so much fun. It was great to meet other people who do the type of work that I do, as well as learn about new science because I get wrapped up in Grand Canyon stuff that I forget that there are a lot of other really cool things happening in the world. The conference was five days, and then my partner and I traveled all around Florida for the following three to make a mini vacation out of it. We went to St. Augustine, The Everglades, St. Pete Beach, Saratoga, a lot of places. I tried alligator, which tastes just like chicken! It was our only trip we took this year!

Deep sea catches!

We even went deep sea fishing! I puked my guts up and caught one fish, and my partner caught 6! I am not so much a fan of the deep sea fishing. I get pretty awful motion sickness, and let's just say it was really bumpy out there. And to add insult to injury, as I was making my way to the bathroom, I fell and injured myself pretty badly--I forgot that boats have little ledges at the door to prevent water, and I was so determined to puke IN the toilet I forgot and fell really hard. Ugh.

 

 

 

 

Springs!



Kayaking on the Itchatucknee River!

There was a field trip at the conference to Ginne Springs and the Itchatucknee River. We got to go kayaking down the river, and then the springs, which are always 72 degrees, we go to snorkel in. It was SO cool, and I am so glad that my parnter got to attend this awesome field trip too!

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had a small and delicious Thanksgiving. We didn’t get out of our pajamas until 2! I had done most of the baking Wednesday, so the only thing we needed to put together was the turkey and potatoes.

Now it’s December 3, 2013 and the year is coming to an end. I am excited for what 2014 holds for me (planning on a month long Euro trip to visit my partner’s mother in the UK, head up to Scotland, and then hop on over to Ireland). I am attending my first Metta retreat this weekend and I am so excited. I have learned so much by meditating, and how hard I am on myself. I have become better at forgiving other people, loving other people, but I am so hard on myself. I try and love myself fully all the time, but sometimes you just forget to because you work on other things. So I am looking forward to not only sending the love to those in my life, but also being willing and open to receive love, which is sometimes hard to do.

Going on the Colorado!

 

I am getting ready to go on my very first river trip down the Colorado River. It’s for work, so luckily I am going with people I know very well, it’s free, and I get to actually help participate in the science I edit on a daily basis. We’re leaving Friday, and I’ll hike out the following Friday (the 13^th, and let me tell you, I am super excited because I love Friday the 13^th. It’s a great day and I have had some great things happen to me on those days). I have always wanted to go on a trip, but my old boss wouldn’t let me—“it wasn’t part of my job” she said. Well, I am sorry, but I have to totally disagree with that statement. I work for a science organization that focuses strictly on the Grand Canyon and its natural resources. I read, write, and edit documents about fish, without ever having seen the fish that live in the canyon. Luckily, my new boss agrees that it is something I have to do and part of the job. I’ll have a better understanding of the river by going on this trip.

My partner has been on the river once before, and he’s extremely excited for me. That’s one of the things I value so much in our partnership—the excitement we have for the other person when they are about to do something fun, and we’re not able to attend with them. I have been co-dependent for most of my life, and my partner is someone who cannot have that co-dependency in his. So I’ve learned to not be so co-dependent in this relationship, which I am grateful for. Of course, I slip occasionally in my co-dependent tendencies, but for the most part, I’ve learned to just do things I want to do, when I want to do them, with whoever wants to do them. If that’s my partner, awesome, if it is a girlfriend, awesome. Our lives have become incredibly busy that last week, we hardly spent much time together. That’s fine, because I know we’ll connect when the craziness of the week settles down. It’s a hard adjustment to make, and I do struggle with it sometimes, but I also know that just because we may not spend much time together, doesn’t mean our love for one another decreases. And for me, that’s been one of the biggest things to have learned.

So, the river. I am STOKED! Like, really, really, excited. Everyone keeps telling me how amazing it is going to be and how much fun I am going to have. I am doing just the first half, which is called Marble Canyon. It’s the prettiest (according to everyone here) and it’s the coolest (temperature wise. Once you get far West in the canyon, the temperature spikes past 110 most days in the summer).  I am looking forward to having some river time, meditating, writing my experiences, catching fish, and just learning all that I can, while also enjoying the sheer beauty of it all.

I’ve been so ridiculously busy this past month and a half, that I can’t believe it is already September. It was two months ago that I volunteered for this trip, and it is now here, in three days. And I am so blissed out already, I can’t even imagine what I am going to be like when we actually get on the river. The cook, Caroline, is really good and pointing things out and giving explanations of things, so I will learn so much about the canyon itself and see things that I’ve only dreamed about.

I look forward to sharing my journey with you. I plan on bringing a journal to keep track of all that I do, see, and experience, and will hopefully be able to share some of those blurbs with you. Until then…

Me, Myself, and I

I had an evolutionary astrology reading a few weeks ago. My partner gave me a gift certificate for my birthday, and since things have been a little… off, I thought it would be a good time to get the reading done. I am unsure how many people follow, or believe in astrology, but I am a firm believer in it. My birthday was in May, May 20^th to be exact, and on that day, the 3^rd Uranus Pluto square dropped. Donna Steele gave me fair warning that this year was going to be an interesting and a very challenging year for me, and while I believed her, I didn’t think it would be so instant. It felt like some comet had come down and crashed down around me, and then little ones continually dropping all around me.

My communication was all screwy, I was an emotional train wreck, I would just start crying for no real reason, I was getting irritated and mad… there was just so much all at once. Now, I know that I tend to hold everything inside me for a good six months, and then I have an emotional breakdown. But this was just not the norm. So I made my appointment, and it was perfect timing.

I’ve had an interesting life. A lot of things have happened to me, from a very young age, and while I know “everything happens for a reason,” part of me kept wondering, “WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!”

I have been in a series of shitty relationships. In fact, all of my relationships with people were pretty bad. I got involved with people who weren’t ready for a commitment, I got involved with people who could never love me for me, etc. etc. But then I realized, after the last heartbreak, that I needed to look inside of myself. I needed to love myself completely and fully before I could expect anyone to ever love me.

So, I took a two year break and worked on rebuilding what I had broken for years. It was hard, it sucked, and it was extremely painful. I suppose you can suspect that when you have to build yourself up from the crumbled bricks. I focused on school, on learning as much as I could about my degree and what I wanted to do with my life. I focused on myself for the first time in what seemed like YEARS. I bought myself some nice shoes, some nice clothes, I lost some weight (only to gain it back a bit later, but hey, post breakup weight loss always adds to feeling good about yourself). I really took the time to figure out who I was and what my goals in life were. I did this at the ripe age of 23.

Now, I know that I am still technically “young” in regards to the year I was born, but I have lived a life that most people couldn’t imagine living. And I am thankful for that because I have come out solid, I know how to deal with things (mostly), and I know who my true friends and family are. I may be young in this life, but my soul is old, really old as Donna told me during my reading. I always knew it, but sometimes I just like having that “without a doubt” idea. I have lived through many life times, and a lot of the reasons why I am the way I am and act the way that I act, is that I have been suppressed for all of my lifetimes. I have been ruled by the male patriarchal bullshit that ran and continues to run this society. So I have broken out of it.

I don’t practice any religion, I wasn’t baptized in any form, I don’t believe in a “God,” or what Western society views as a “God,” but I do believe of a higher divine, some sort of energy out there. I don’t believe in the sanction of marriage, and I have chosen not to participate in it (I don’t believe the state or church has any right in relationships, especially mine). I have chosen not to procreate because the way this society is going, I don’t want a kid growing up in it. I am also selfish.

Selfish is sometimes used negatively, and while there are people who are in fact the negative idea of selfish, I don’t view myself as being selfish negatively. It is self-first. I have learned to put myself first. I have been extremely co-dependent my entire life and I am still in some ways (one of my emotional break downs was my partner thinking about going on a trip without me. That brought up my abandonment issues, as well as my co-dependent habits of needing to be with someone always), but I am working on not being co-dependent. Because what I have learned, and have been told, is that I only need myself to survive. I am capable of doing whatever it is I need to survive, to live, to love, to travel, to do anything and everything that I want. Sure, it would be nice to have someone there to enjoy it with, but it isn’t a necessity. I am the only person who has control of what my life is, how my life is, and how to live this life that I have been given. So when I say I am selfish, I mean it the way that most people don’t think of—I put myself first, and will always try to put myself first.

I have learned that you have to respect and love yourself first, before you can expect anyone else to. And that’s what I have done. I took the time to really get to know me, to put the pieces back together, and become a person I would like. I spent a lot of time working on me, working on what I broke, because I know that I let myself get broken. And by taking this time for myself, I found someone who feels the same way. He also puts himself first, he loves himself, respects himself, and therefore, our relationship works. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, and perhaps maybe for him too. And I have to say, that after having my reading with Donna, both of us understand me a little bit better, which makes it easy to just deal with things.

My almost three-hour consultation with Donna was all about me. About me and my need to break free from co-dependence; for me to realize that I am all that I’ll ever need; for me to realize that I am a smart and powerful woman and I am so much more than I realize. I am so thankful for this reading—it came at a perfect time and has cleared things up. This has made my relationship not just with me, but with my partner so much easier. I shared most of my reading with him to let him know me a little bit more, and I think by knowing this it will make things a lot easier and less complicated. My soul journey for this life time is for me. For I am the only one that truly matters.

Societal Views and Discrimination

A lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, or getting pregnant/having babies. I couldn’t be more thrilled for my friends. I am excited to partake in my friend Heather’s wedding next year. Heather and I met back in Wolverhampton, UK during our study abroad semester. She’s the only person I have kept in touch with and I couldn’t be happier for her. I think finding love is an amazing thing, and I wish it for everyone.

While I show my enthusiasm for my friends who are partaking in these events, I am often met with a complete opposite reaction when my partner and I say we don’t plan on getting married, having kids, etc. etc. It’s not what we want, nor do we think it is necessary to get married in order to prove your commitment to someone. We don’t want kids for multiple reasons. I am not going to speak for him directly, but for me, I want to travel the world, I want to explore and get to know as many cultures as I can. And I think our society is so screwed up right now, I am not sure I want to bring an innocent creature into it. I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Sure, a lot of parents do this regardless of their children, but I just don’t want that responsibility. I also feel absolutely no desire to procreate. Sure, we’d make smashingly good kids, and our kids would be open minded and help society, but it’s just not appealing. If, by some miracle we do change our minds, I think both of us would be more willing to adopt a kid who doesn’t have a home, than create our own.

Anyway, I have become very used to strangers or acquaintances to react maybe not so positively when we say we are not getting married or having kids. Everyone is allowed to have their feelings upon the subject, but what I am finding a little more difficult to deal with is friends who react negatively to this information. And I understand that we are not your “generic” couple. We are not planning on living the “generic” lifestyle. We simply don’t find that attractive or necessary, like I’ve said before. It also drives me crazy when people call me young and that I will change my mind. Yes, I am a mere 27 year old, but I am certain of what I do and do not want. Why don’t people get that?

I would be more willing to get married if the views and understandings of marriage changed in society. And even more so if EVERYONE could marry the person they wanted, regardless of their gender. Sure, I’d partake in a spiritual ceremony, but the institute of marriage is something I am not interested in. We have grown up with what is and is not acceptable for wives and husbands to do in marriages. It’s similar to gender roles: men take out the garbage, repair things around the house, and women clean, cook, raise children, garden, etc. etc. No thank you. I will take out my own damn trash and replace my own damn flat tire, thankyouverymuch.

To get back to the point, it is rather heartbreaking and disappointing that friends are so quick to judge based on what I want in my life. And I really dislike being spoken to like I don’t know what I am talking about. I think a lot of this has to do with age, and I am sorry, but I feel like I am much more mature than most 30-something year olds. Age is just a number and has nothing to do with the maturity level of an individual. I am very confident about myself and what I want, and I don’t think anyone else has the right to think or say otherwise. But they do, and that’s ok. I try not to take it personally or get upset, and I am usually pretty good about it, but the energy of people change when they ask those questions and you say no to them all. The atmosphere changes and then they get quite and don’t really say anything because we now no longer have ANYTHING in common.

I asked my doctor the last time I had my lovely woman exam if we could explore more permanent options in regards to not having children. Her response, “you’re too young to make those decisions.” I am sorry, but no. If a woman the same age as me, with a child or 12 were to ask her the same question, she’d be all about it! “Sure we can discuss that! I think that’s great that you know you don’t want any more children.” The only difference is that this person already has children; therefore it is ok to have this woman permanently sterilized at the same age as I am. There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with our medical industry. If I know for a fact that both my partner and I do not want to have children, I think that should be a “smart decision” as well. I live in Arizona, one of the most conservative places in this country at the moment, and women’s rights in this state seem to be going down a drain, and that’s horrifying to me.  It is almost like discrimination. Actually… it IS discrimination, and it’s bullshit. Now, I know that people will say, “try an IUD” and I go, “I did! My body rejected it in a month and it was the most horrible experience of my life. I had to pull it out of my own cervix.” I am currently on the pill now, which is fine, but I would rather not be taking pharmaceutical drugs. They’re bad for the body, and it is has come to attention that women who do take oral contraceptives have a 40% higher chance of getting breast cancer. Sure, I could go the natural route and check my fluids and keep track of the moon, and etc. etc., but my body doesn’t work like the other women out there. And I don’t think it is a legitimate argument that you can tell by the mucus, because my mucus, while being on the pill, still has the consistency of ovulating. We are all individuals, all different; therefore, it is unfair and unrealistic that the natural way is the right way for everyone. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Yes, I am ranting now, and I will bring it back, but I get so upset at the fact that I am considered too young to make these decisions about my body. Or wanting to get married. Or eating the way I do. We all get to make our own decisions in this life, and even though I don’t believe in marriage, I don’t ever get disappointed that my friends decide to partake in it. I don’t get upset or disappointed when my friends decide to procreate and I don’t. I am so HAPPY for them. I just wish it was reciprocal towards me.

And then I realize, I do have some friends that are totally supportive of my decision and say the only reason why they are slightly disappointed in my decision to not have children, is that I am smart and open minded, and we need more people like that to be having children. That is a nice compliment, but what is even nicer is that they still love me and are thankful that at least I know what I want, and am 100% positive in that.

So as I continue to enter my late 20’s and early 30’s, I suspect I will be going to a lot of weddings, and I can’t wait to celebrate with my friends. And I’ll continue to love my partner whole heartedly and be committed to him, and making sure we continue to live the life WE want.

Another year older

I turned another year older on the 20^th, and I have to say, I don’t feel any older. Maybe a tiny bit wiser—I for sure feel like I have grown up since last year—but not to the point where I can say I know EVERYTHING. Even though, I know I’ll never know everything, I try to get as informed as possible.

When I told my boss how old I was turning, he looked at me in surprise and said, “You’ve accomplished a lot for being your age. Be proud of yourself.”

It was a very nice moment, and something really nice to hear. And now that I have had time to think about it, I have accomplished a lot. I have a Bachelor’s degree and a Master’s degree, I have a full-time job with benefits and a regular salary, I have a house (although, technically it isn’t “mine,” my partner owns it), I have finally found a love that is amazing (not only with my partner, but the love for myself), I have found true friends, forgiveness, and so much more. I have lived in England for 6 months and traveled to France, Italy, Ireland, and all over the UK. I am blessed with all the experiences I have had in my short life. I have seen a lot of the world, experienced a lot of emotions and situations that people don’t experience until maybe they are a little older… I have done quite a bit with this life of mine so far, and I am so very happy about it.

I still want to travel the world. I won’t be able to go to Denmark this year, just because life happens and all of a sudden you have medical bills coming out your ears, which is preventing you from traveling this year, but will help you not have any issues for hopefully the rest of your life. So since I can’t travel this year, I am working on paying off my credit card, while still placing $200 a month in a savings account for next year to travel. My partner and I decided to not exchange gifts this year for Christmas, but instead, save that money for a trip somewhere we want to go. For at least 3 weeks. I think that would be much more enjoyable anyway.

I had a photo-shoot with my friend Tara on Friday. She is just starting up her own photography business, and I haven’t had a professional photo-shoot done since I was a senior in high school to get a senior picture. So, I was thrilled when I heard she was coming to Flagstaff for a weekend and I immediately booked a session with her. Tara’s blog is here: http://tarabieleckiphotography.blogspot.com/. She has a couple shoots she’s done already up, and I think mine will be up on her blog in a couple weeks, so stay tuned.

The whole experience was lovely. I treated myself all day: manicure, hair and make-up done for me, dresses, coffee, buying a new lip gloss for the occasion. It was an “all about me” day, and I soaked it up. I probably need to do this more often because it was just so much fun. I met Tara and her husband Mike up at Lockett Meadow, where it was unbelievably green and still alive, considering the massive fire that was up there a few years back. It was the perfect day—there was no Flagstaff wind, the sun was shining, it was warm up there—I couldn’t have asked for a better day. We walked around the trail head and found some spots for photos, I changed outfits, I laughed, made silly faces, and caught up with Tara. It was so lovely and beautiful, which pretty much sums up Tara. I felt so pretty all day and so encouraged that I was being a good model! I also felt like a fairy, walking around barefoot, getting my feet dirty, and wearing feminine, flowey dresses, wearing head halos. I am so excited to see how the photos turned out. I know they are going to be beautiful, and I cannot wait to bask in them. I thought it was a perfect way to start my new year. We celebrated love, nature, growth, and pure beauty.  That’s what life is about, for me, and I am so glad I got to celebrate that and show during this photo-shoot.  

Let's change the world with LOVE!

I was having a discussion with a co-worker earlier this week about politics and how all of it is just so screwed up. I was about to say “especially in America,” but I am pretty sure it is screwed up all over the place. I just FEEL like it is extremely screwed up here since I live here and these things affect me.

I am a pretty liberal, left-wing person. I believe in human rights for everyone; I believe that if you get knocked up, you deserve to have the right to do what YOU feel is right for YOURSELF; I believe that foods should be labeled on whether or not they have GMOs; I believe we have the right to stand up for what we believe in and not get in trouble; and most importantly, I believe in LOVE.

If we were to remove all the political parties, all the huge corporations who run the country (because if you didn’t know this already, the President doesn’t really run the country—the huge corporations with all their money do), and just have a society based on love, I think it would fix all of our problems.

Love is an extremely powerful thing! When you send love out to the Universe, you get love in return. When you send hate out to the Universe, you get hate in return. Our vibrational energies, our thoughts, and our feelings are what we send out there and if we are having negative experiences, we are going to experience more negativity.

Reading Don Miguel Ruiz books have helped me in this more loving journey. There are other books that have helped too, and the people I have in my life have helped, meditation has helped. There are so many things that have made me turn into a more loving and caring person over the past couple of years. I am happy, exceedingly so, and that happiness is shared with people that I hold dear to my heart. And by being happy, by being filled with love, I get it all back in return because that’s what I am sending the Universe.

Going back to the discussion with my co-worker, he essentially told me that I am living in the wrong era—that I need to be back in the 60’s when love was what everyone had and experienced. I am sure politics were still pretty shitty then (women’s rights, voting, etc.), but it does seem to be more fitting for me and my belief on if we just loved one another, we would fix all our problems.

But think about it, how many times are we angry or frustrated or irritated? And we usually get MORE angry, frustrated, or irritated because that is the vibrational energy we are sending to the Universe, so the Universe gives us more. I am not saying I don’t get angry, frustrated, or irritated—I do, quite regularly, but I pay more attention to when it happens now. I find ways to quickly stop feeling that way by going for a walk, meditating, baking, doing something that makes me return to happiness.

Now, if we stopped letting these negative emotions have so much influence over our lives, and instead realized we can switch what is happening to a more positive experience, we could change everything. If people who may think that gay people are wrong based on religious factors realized that they were created by the God they believed in, they should love them. God loves all creatures, right? That includes gays, transgendered, republicans (hehe), and everyone and everything on this planet. While I don’t believe in “God,” but instead a Divine somewhere up there, I understand this concept perfectly. We were all created by something, and while we all have our own opinions, ideas, lives, and the like, we are all part of each other. We are all connected because we came from the same thing.

I am not saying it’s easy or that it is even going to happen, but it is a nice thought. And maybe if I continue to think it and send it to the Universe it will happen one day. I have 100% belief in the Universe delivering what we want (and what we don’t want) because the Universe delivers things to me all the time! It may come a couple years later, but it always comes. Maybe we can just all send some love to everyone, even people we don’t like, so that we can start changing this country, this world, into a more loving one.

Starting tomorrow, I am off for a two-day meditation retreat, and I plan on sending a lot of love and kindness out to the world. I know we can change the world if we all try.

Have a great weekend. And remember to take a minute or two to say thank you to someone, to the Universe, to mother nature, and to yourself, for whatever it is that has been given to you or experienced by you.

If we want to change the world to be more loving, let's spread some love today!

Like I said in an earlier post about getting rid of people who have nothing but negativity or are not necessarily healthy for me, I should mention all the lovely people I have in my life NOW. It seems that getting rid of the bad/old/negative/whatever you want to call it, it has made room for some pretty amazing people.

One person in particular sticks out in mind. And this quote fits how I feel perfectly:

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle our inner spirit" ~Albert Schweitzer

I see her probably more than I see any other person besides my partner. I see her Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, at 7.30 in the morning. Now, we met because she started to work at my chiropractor a couple of months ago. And can I just say how much I love getting hooked up to my torture devises now that she’s there? She is so upbeat, positive, loving, and just an incredible human being. I am really so blessed to have her in my life. Every morning I walk in that office, and even if I am having a crappy morning, her smiles, laughter, hugs, and just overall loveliness makes me forget about my problems. She’s a healer of all sorts, and I can’t help but feel this deep connection with her. I think the two of us are learning so much from each other, or at least I hope so. We don’t hang out too much, but I am hoping that changes soon. And it will. Monday we are going to the Tegan and Sara concert, and I can’t wait to dance and sing with her. Really, I am just excited that it seems like I have a true friend.

I always believed that I was one of those people who lit up the room, made the room a little happier or positive when I walked in. Not to be self-involved, but it's true. I like to think of my personality, energy, and presence as something uplifting. Sam is the same way, which may be why I am so excited to have her in my life.

Since my person—my best, best, best, best friend—moved away last year, it has been extremely hard for me to have friends. I have had them, sure, but I have also lost touch with most of them for various reason. Having Sam around has helped me realize that there are some really awesome people out in the world, and luckily I have her and my person.

I also started a bookclub a few months ago, and the ladies in it all seem to be so lovely! I am looking forward to getting to know them a little bit more, because I think that we will all get along smashingly well.

I really just wanted to write this to say thank you to my new friend, Sam, and show her how much she means to me in these few short months. I think it is so important to have people in your life that you look forward to seeing, hearing from, or just hanging out. She has become one of those people for me.

Take the time today to say thank you or send a little text message saying a person is in your life. We need to all love if we want to see the world change into a more loving place. And I think that sending love to someone is a good way to start. And hopefully they get inspired and repeat the process—like a pay it forward, but with love.

Enjoy your weekend, whatever you do or don’t do. I am hoping to get out for a hike and some fly fishing.

xx

The New Moon

A friend of mine does Lunar Lady Nights every month on the new moon. This is the first time I am actually going, but I receive emails every month giving a little teaser of what this new moon will be bringing the month. April seems like a pretty intense month. It is also really exciting because she slightly mentions a big event that's happening on my exact birthday this year. I would love to get a reading from her in the near future, maybe for my birthday, because the many friends that have seen her say that they are totally blown away by her readings. Plus, when I told her when my birthday was the last time I saw her, she said that this year was going to extremely interesting for me since the 11th square falls exactly on my birthday.

Anyway, below is the brief description she sent all of us on Monday. Hopefully this will help explain things for people, like me, who have been struggling with some things this past month with Mercury being retrograde. I will give an update to this after tonight when we meet.

Happy Wednesday. And remember, if you're struggling, this too will pass. :)

From Donna:Spring has sprung and the Aries New Moon, the first new moon of the natural year, occurs on Wednesday, April 10th at 2:35 am MST.  This New Moon carries a lot of exciting, dynamic and even explosive energy with Uranus, Venus, Mars and the newly discovered planet Eris joining the Sun and Moon in Aries, the sign of instinctive, impulsive action and new beginnings.  So after months and months and months of what has seemed like 'celestial brakes' on efforts to move forward with various projects and ideas both individually and collectively, the time is finally ripe to be able to implement and initiate new plans and really begin to make things happen.  So Ladies, its time to start your engines!  But remember, Aries teaches us to be assertive -- not aggressive, courageous -- not impetuous, and above all, to consider the impact our personal decisions and actions will have upon others -- not just ourselves.

All this volatile energy comes with the following cautionary disclaimer:  Beware of angry or reactionary tendencies that are not at all well thought out (can you say North Korea?!).  We're nearing eclipse season once again, as well as an upcoming Pluto retrograde.  All of the Aries planets except Uranus are still in a wide square aspect (conflict/choices) to Pluto in Capricorn which is coming to a powerful standstill coinciding with its annual station retrograde on the 12th just two days after the Aries New Moon!  Uranus and Pluto are also closing in on their next exact square at 11 degrees Aries/Capricorn which will happen on May 20th. What's begun under this New Moon's ambitious influence will have long-term, far-reaching and consequential effects -- perhaps much more so than originally intended or bargained for!

Three eclipses occur during April and May:  two Lunar (Full Moons) and one Solar (New Moon).  The first Lunar Eclipse is on April 25th at 5 degrees Scorpio.  Next a Solar Eclipse occurs on May 9th at 19 degrees Taurus (conjunct the Moon's South Node and coinciding with next month's Taurus New Moon).  This Solar Eclipse includes occultations (eclipse like events) of Mars and Mercury which will only intensify the natural 'reboot' energy of this eclipse relative to desires and ideas.  Finally, a second Lunar Eclipse in this series happens on May 24th at 4 degrees Sagittarius.  It opposes the Lunar Eclipse that occurred last November 28th at 6 degrees Gemini.  Whatever came to an end last November is now ready to be reborn and birthed anew.  But I'm getting ahead of myself here...  More on these two upcoming eclipse events at May's Lunar Ladies Night.  Suffice it to say this Aries New Moon kick-starts a LOT of pent up celestial energy that's ready to breakthrough and bust out over the next several months!

storm clouds and moving on

Dark clouds surround this little city, taunting us with a storm. As I was driving in this morning, I was staring at them at a stop light. They were moving so fast—faster than I’d ever seen clouds move before. And as I was sitting there, staring into the clouds, I was thinking, LIFE is moving faster than I’d ever realized before. It is already April of 2013! It seems like it was only a few weeks ago that I was celebrating the New Year with my beloved. And then I got to thinking, why can’t we move on just as quickly as these clouds, or just as quickly as life? Why do you get stuck in a rut and let our emotions rule us, our feelings take over, and not simply acknowledge it and then let it move on? Most of the time, we want things to move quickly; hurt feelings, anger, irritation, and the like, because they are the most unpleasant feelings. But, for some reason, we always choose to hold on to something.

I am sitting here writing, and my ear is ringing extremely loud—hopefully whoever it is talking about me are saying only positive things.

I have been extremely irritable lately. I don’t know if it is because of Mercury Retrograde, or perhaps this extremely powerful New Moon coming up Wednesday morning… but it’s been so unlike me. I have been getting so irritated about the smallest things, things I would usually just brush aside and not let get to me. But for the past week or so, I am just plain old irritated. Maybe it’s because people don’t listen. There is always a distraction happening, that when you start talking, sure the other persons realizes this, but when they ask you something that you’d already described, you know they weren’t truly listen.  I think that’s one of the biggest annoyances I have, and it makes me highly irritated. And unfortunately, this irritation hasn’t been moving on as quickly as I would like it to. It just lingers, and then more irritation occurs, and then I am just this giant ball of energetic irritation! It’s awful!

So as I am staring into the clouds, and am in awe of them moving so fast, I try to release the irritation. I try and release the anger and hurt I feel. I try and just move quickly through all the negative feelings so I can get to the positive ones. It helped to pretend I was one of those clouds and just move right on past those feelings. It only took the amount of time for the light to change green on my way to work. Now, if we could just get everyone to do that same thing, the world would be a healthier and happier place.

The hail is coming down quite hard now. It sounds like someone is stomping on the roof, banging on the windows. Flagstaff has such unpredictable weather throughout the entire year. Of course I should have known we would get weather in April, and probably May. It happens every year. But I was so excited to look outside yesterday and realize that the lilac tree has lilacs on it. That there is this beautiful green and purple right outside in our back yard. And my daisies! They are green on the bottom, starting to come back from hiding, and looking forward to warmth and the sun. I don’t take it as a negative thing. I know that they will survive and be fine, that they can survive the harshness of hail and chilling temperatures. I know they will bloom soon and continue to do so throughout the rest of the year. It is amazing that they come back each year, regardless of the torture of winter they’ve been through. If only we were so easily able to come back from the harshness of life. Some of us do, some of take the time to mourn and think about what has happened, and some of us, unfortunately, always get stuck in the rut of harshness.

We always get through the storms, even when it feels like they keep arriving. Things move quickly if you allow yourself to pay attention, acknowledge, and then move on.

Forgiveness and unconditional love

A blurb from “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz:

“We must forgive those we feel have wronged us, not because they deserve to be forgiven, but because we love ourselves so much we don’t want to keep paying for the injustice.”

Do you know how hard that is? I am currently working on this aspect in my life, and realizing that there is no need for me to be angry or upset by what others have said or done to me. Because essentially, it is themselves that they are angry with. That’s the only reason why someone could be so mean or cruel to another human—they themselves are exceedingly unhappy with their life, themselves, and their situation, that they want to make others feel the same way.

It’s powerful stuff, to realize this. But, that doesn’t mean it is EASY to forgive people who have hurt us. It’s interesting to apply this to every aspect of life: friends, family, ex-partners, partners, your dog, your cat, your whatever. We have the ability to get upset with what people do or say and it ultimately affects us and how we feel. Whether it is not being able to open up or break down the walls we have built, or the ability to be intimate with someone, or anything else.

When I first started dating my partner, I had a really large and awesome brick wall built around me. I had been burned a year before, and there was no way I was going to get burned this time. After a couple dates and 6-hour long conversations, each time a layer of that brick would come off. Slowly but surely, I had just some stepping stones—a foundation if you will—around myself that no longer blocked him or anyone else out. It was quite rewarding, and also very releasing to have this wall gone. It’s hard work to keep a wall up around yourself, and it’s extremely tiring. You focus so much on the wall that you’re unable to focus on getting to know someone or letting them get to know you.

Getting back to how we take things so personally, it is really easy to get lost in fear, anger, sadness, and any other feeling that we lose sight of who we are. It is especially hard when it is someone in our family, someone who is supposed to love us UNCONDITIONALLY.

Unconditional love… is there such a thing? I have been toying with this concept for about a week now. We all have conditions in some sort of way with people we love. Whether they hurt our feelings and we are unable to move on, or they have (or have not) done something, which we expect them to do. Can we truly love ourselves or anyone else unconditionally? I ask for you to think about that, to truly think about the people you have in your life and whether or not you love them no matter what. Can you forgive someone without having a condition of them apologizing? Can you just let it go without it being acknowledged? Can you love your child without putting the condition of punishment on them if they don’t behave? Can you love your partner without putting conditions on them to be a certain way, acknowledge what you’re wearing or what you look like? Can you not get involved in something that doesn’t involve you, but then put that person or thing in a condition because you decided to get involved?

This is what I am currently experiencing right now. The fact that people, some of my family, do not love me unconditionally. I have been given conditions without even knowing! How am I supposed to know you want an apology? Why not just move on without one? Why is that apology necessary for our relationship? Or, why did you have to butt your nose in a situation that doesn’t involve you, which ultimately makes the situation TEN TIMES WORSE?! Why is that necessary? Why is it necessary for you to put a condition on me to apologize, or acknowledge that I’ve done something wrong, when you are family and you’re supposed to love me no matter what?

Think about that. Have you done that to someone? We all have. I am doing it right now. I am not saying I am free of this ridiculous situation. I am holding a condition over someone right now. I am working on forgiving and letting it go, even though I do believe that this situation needs to be addressed and realized. And that there really should be an apology. But I know I probably won’t get any of that. And so I spend 2-5 minutes a day, sending this person love and kindness in meditation, hoping that they can start being happy with themselves, so they don’t feel the need to make other people miserable. This ties back to the quote above, about how we need to forgive the people who have wronged us, not necessarily for them, but for ourselves. Holding on to these things does us more harm than anyone else. If we all forgave and loved this world would be a much better place. If we love unconditionally, it would be a stronger place. If we just practiced love and kindness, we could change the world.

Silence

Ever since starting meditation (I know I have been talking a lot about meditation, but these changes I am noticing are really important and huge!), I have not been listening to music. Let me rephrase that, I haven’t been listening to music while I am doing something else. I haven’t been listening to music in the car, at work, while I am cooking, while I am baking. I am giving 100% of my attention to whatever it is I am doing. This. Is. Huge. I listened to music all the time. I was listening to it in the car, at work especially, while I was cooking or baking. Now, I am enjoying the peace that comes from giving my attention to exactly what I am doing. It’s a nice shift… I don’t feel so distracted anymore. I can actually sit and think about what I need to think about, instead of just kind of thinking about it, and giving the song more of my attention.

I still listened to music while I was doing some spring cleaning this past weekend. My mind wasn’t really anywhere, and the music wasn’t all that loud to really distract me. It was Dexter Morgan, who has become one of my new favourite musicians. He doesn’t have lyrics; they are just songs with all sorts of instruments. It’s really quite good and I highly suggest you check him out. Back to being quiet. It’s an interesting feeling, being completely aware of your surroundings a little bit more because there’s nothing to distract you. Even being quiet with people—not needing to talk all the time or make a comment. Just being. I think meeting every week with the Vipassana group is helping with that. We are quiet for over an hour and a half. The teacher gives a lecture for 30-40 minutes, then we all sit together for 45 minutes, and then some of us stay for the discussion. It’s amazing how nice it is to be quiet, to have everything around you be quiet. When we are all sitting together, it is an amazing energy. I can feel the vibrations coming off of people, and they are all good vibrations. I have noticed that sometimes the energy makes me move—I start what I can only say is pulsing. Like a heartbeat. It really is quiet amazing.

My partner and I attended an extra meditation last Thursday and the one yesterday about deepening out meditation practice and what it means for us. We chanted, we applied the precepts to our lives. It really was powerful. Yesterday, since it was the end of our time, we participated in a ceremony, where we all chanted and went up and lit a candle to signify our wisdom and getting rid of the dark and only have light. After we all did this, Brian, our teacher, presented us with red cords that had been blessed by his holiness, the Dali Lama and our teacher’s teachers. I am faithfully wearing mine on my left wrist and will always remember my dedication to my practice. There’s a knot in the middle of it, which signifies a little Buddha being inside, to always guide us and to have with us. It feels good, starting this journey.

The group is going to have a two-day weekend retreat at the end of April, and I am so looking forward to participating in it. I have heard many great things about the woman’s house who hosts them, and how magical it is. It should be rewarding. And perfect timing. The group will also be starting a study group on Thursday’s in May, where we dive more into the literature of Buddhism and how we can really apply it to our lives. I am looking forward to this new energy in me, as well as how it is changing me. They may not be huge changes, but they are changes I can feel. And it feels great.

Weeding

I have been meditating for over a week now, and WOW! I can totally tell a difference. I meditate between 10-45 minutes a day in the morning when the world is still sleeping and quiet. I sit in my living room and I breathe in and breathe out. I focus on my breath and how it feels going in and out of my lungs. I focus on how my body feels when I give it breath, I focus on my lungs expanding and going back to normal. I feel so much better doing this every morning, it’s amazing how this simple act is helping me with myself.

Monday’s group meditation group discussed this idea of cultivation. This idea of cultivation sits with me well because I can apply it to both my spiritual path, as well as my life of gardening. When you want to get rid of a weed, you have to pick it from its roots. You can’t just pull it out and hope it doesn’t ever show up again. You have to really get to the “root” of the problem in order for it to not show up. If you just get angry with this weed and start ripping it and all its friends to shreds, they are going to come back tenfold. In order for the weed to be gone, you have to take time with it, work it from the bottom, and pull it all out. I mentioned in our discussion that a lot of the times, people get aggressive with weeding (figuratively and nonfiguratively) and I suggested that we learn to love these weeds, since we’re the ones that essentially put them there (consciously or unconsciously). We could use this weed that we’ve plucked and put it in our compost to make something we do want. Even if we say we have a strong shield to others opinions, the truth of the matter is we don’t have one that’s 100% effective. I am sure Monks and Buddhists do, but those are people who have worked with building this guard for most of their lives. Most of us don’t spend our entire day focusing on building up this impeccable soil because we work, we have kids, we have a family, we don’t plan on becoming monks. We start to cultivate when something has happened to us and we realize we need to change something in order to feel better.

Like I said in my previous post, I have been struggling with a weed in my garden that showed up out of NOWHERE last year. This weed has taken a pretty good liking to my garden, and it has been incredibly hard to pull it up. Part of my practice at the moment is to say “I forgive you. May you be happy” and actually mean it. Because I can say it, sure, anyone can, but that doesn’t mean I am actually forgiving and wishing them happiness. I get MAD and ANGRY and want to SCREAM. I think these weeds are hard to get rid of than most when it comes from someone who is in your family. We all got family issues, but when someone is deliberately cruel and says horrific things to someone in their family, it strikes a little closer to home. My theory on this is because we have this preconceived notion of what family actually is. We have these ideas of how you’re supposed to act, how you’re supposed to feel, what you’re supposed to say, and how much love you’re supposed to give to these people in your family.  

My family is a lovely and diverse group of people. I have my blood family who has helped me grow into the person I am today, and who have never stopped rooting for me to succeed. I have my partners family, who love me, support me, and are willing to help even though we’re not “technically related.” I have my friends, who may be dwindling down, but are now a solid base of friends that I can rely on. And I don’t really consider these people separate families; I consider them my entire family. It isn’t about separating it out anymore. The people that are in my life are people I WANT in my life. For example, the weed I am trying to pull, isn’t in my life. I don’t really want them in my life at all at the moment, because the fact that THAT much negativity can come out of one person, and have it be aimed at me is someone I don’t want to know or have in my life.

I made a resolution for 2013, and that is to not take shit from anyone. I am not being a pawn in anyone’s game. I am not doing this as a hurtful thing or an angry thing, I have just decided that I want nothing but positive people around me. People with good energy, healthy lifestyles, kindness, love, and happiness in them, because that’s what I am. Sure, we all have our off days, even I do, but I don’t want to surround myself with negative people anymore. So I have started doing some weeding and have said goodbye to those weeds who are no longer necessary in my life, weeds I don’t feel bad getting rid of.

I may have currently lost two of my family members, but I look around at all the new ones I have, and I feel happy. I feel love. And while I will continue to try in my spiritual practice to forgive, and wish people happiness, I will not do anything I am not ready for or willing to do. Especially if it will harm my spiritual journey.

I recieve Abraham quotes daily, and I really enjoyed today's. I hope you do too:

Nobody else knows your reason for being. You do. Your bliss guides you to it. When you follow your bliss, when you follow your path to joy, your conversation is of joy, your feelings are of joy--you're right on the path of that which you inteded when you came forth into this physical body.

--Abraham

Meditation and the elephant

I attended my very first meditation class last night. And by class, I mean, there was a 45 minute talk about the practices of meditation, followed by 30-40 minutes of meditation. After the meditation, people were able to stay and have a discussion afterwards. This involves things one may be struggling with in their practice, in their life, or positive experiences with the night’s meditation. It was really a great experience. The type of meditation we did was mindful meditation, or rather Vipassana. This type of meditation involves practicing being aware of the things that you do and the things that happen around you at every moment. Vipassana is a way of self-transformation through self-observation. It focuses on the deep interconnection between mind and body, which can be experienced directly by disciplined attention to the physical sensations that form the life of the body, and that continuously interconnect and condition the life of the mind. It’s an observation-based, self-exploratory journey to the common root of mind and body that dissolved mental impurity, resulting in a balanced mind full of love and compassion. This was my first time with this type of meditation—I usually participate in Zen meditation where you quiet your mind completely.

I have been struggling with a lot of family issues lately. Relationships have fallen through the cracks, and some awful things were said to me. So awful that I am having a hard time trying to forgive that person and move forward. While I know that it was essentially a reflection of them, I cannot believe that someone, more specifically, a family member would ever say such things about me. I have been working really hard to try and move forward, to not let it get to me. But there are times that it’s so impossible. Maybe not impossible, but extremely difficult. I am trying to figure out a way to work through this hurtle, to learn to forgive and really mean it. I can say “I forgive you,” but I don’t. I am still hurt and upset and just not wanting to have this person in my life anymore (which they are not currently anyway since we’re not talking, but you know what I mean).

90% of my family knows what has happened and was upset about it occurring. But, because MOST of my family is good at NOT taking sides, it has just become this giant sitting elephant in the room. How do you address this elephant? What do you say or do to get the elephant to get a little smaller? This giant elephant, and the fact that I am still extremely hurt about what happened, makes it hard for me to want to participate in family activities. I start thinking, “If I attend this, will so and so ignore me and make it extremely uncomfortable?” or “If I go to this, am I gonna lose my shit and address the elephant boldly and perhaps by doing so making an uncomfortable situation even more uncomfortable?”  It’s a difficult position. No one things they were in the wrong, but it seems that because there’s this large elephant in the room, people know they were in the wrong and don’t want to address it. Or perhaps, but not addressing it or acknowledging le elephant, it will go away. Who knows. I am trying my hardest to no longer focus on those other people. I am trying to focus on myself. To forgive. To love. To wish them the best. And I think meditation is the way to go.

It is now a goal of mine to meditate every day. Whether its 10 minutes or an hour, I will sit down and meditate. I am hoping to do this in the morning, since when I did it this morning; I have felt a hell of a lot more solid and to the ground. Although after last night’s meditation, I slept so soundly, so peacefully, and so hard. It was quite delicious.

Here’s to a new journey of working on myself.

Lifetime of adventures

There are many things I want to do in this lifetime, and sometimes it is a little overwhelming since there is SO MUCH I want to do in this lifetime. I have checked off things from the list, such as studying abroad, going to Paris, visiting Venice and Rome, SKYDIVING, and other things that are adventures. But I also like to note that a lot of the things I would like to do have to do with making the world a little bit better. I want to make a difference in all the lives of people I know. I want them to know kindness, love, joy, and happiness. I want to do something for this society that seems to be spiraling downwards towards destruction. I want to plant so many seeds of love, joy, and happiness that we create an environment where that’s what is focused on—not another shooting, or people dying, or another war. That isn’t helping anyone, especially not the environment. How do we expect to continue to live on this beautiful planet if we keep creating things that can destroy it? Do we really need all these nuclear power plants? Do we really need to all be driving cars everywhere? No, no we do not. I don’t plan on becoming someone famous. I just want the people that are in my life to get something positive from me.

Then, there’s the adventures—the adventures that I long and dream for, the ones that I can’t get out of my head. One of the biggest things I want to do is travel. I want to experience other cultures, other countries, other belief systems. Because I think if I do that, I will become a better-rounded individual and help spread seeds of love. Luckily, the beloved wants the same thing. It’s what we talked about when we first started dating each other—seeing the world and embracing what it brings to us. We plan on making a trip this year. We’re looking at a 3-week holiday traveling around Denmark and then hopping over to England to spend some days there. We watched the documentary “Happy” and it says that Denmark is the happiest country in the world. Why not visit such a place? If I want happiness, to spread happiness, to give happiness, I should probably visit the country where scientists say the people are the happiest. I also suggested that by doing this 3-week long holiday, we eliminate Christmas presents. That traveling with each other and experiencing this should be our present, which he happily agreed to. I would much rather travel and see the world than get Christmas presents. I would rather take a trip every year, whether to a different country or around the US than have to deal with Christmas presents.

So, we’re gonna have a planning date. Find some books, do some research, and figure out where and when we’re going. We’re thinking in the fall (September/October) because kids will be back in school, the weather will be turning, but still good enough to travel and it will be slow around the office. I want to pay off my credit card before we do anything, so that I can essentially reward myself for taking care of it with a trip! I am hoping by April it will be all paid off and that will give me plenty of time to start saving for this trip.

I am very lucky to have someone who has a lot of the same goals and aspirations as I do. Traveling is something I have to do, and luckily I am young and determined to do so. I also got a rad partner who wants to do it with me. Here’s to planning a trip abroad and all the adventures it holds!

Marrianges and babies, oh my!

I am now at the point in my life where either my friends are getting engaged or married, or they are splitting up. Most people know my stance on marriage, and how I don’t believe it is necessary to stay in a committed and monogamous relationship. Yes, it does have its advantages if you have kids or for health reasons, or whatever, but I don’t think it is necessary if you plan on not having kids. One of the first things the beloved and I asked each other when we started dating was about kids: we both replied with “no.” Instead, we would much rather spend the money on traveling the world, exploring new cultures, learning new things, and seeing all that there is to be seen. The world is just too beautiful to be cooped up in a house taking care of kids. I don’t want that, and luckily, I have found someone on the same boat as me. We haven’t even talked about getting animals because they are pretty similar to kids.

The only way I could see myself getting married is if it was done at the court house, just the two of us, and the judge. Then, maybe that same day or another day sending out a mass invite to have a potluck at our house. And even then, I am not sure I would do the marriage thing. Of course, I am happy for all my friends who end up doing the marriage thing—just because I don’t necessarily agree with it, doesn’t mean I am going to not be happy for people who do. It’s just started to make me think. Recent friends just got engaged in New Zealand, and their story is so romantic and sweet. Every girl is a sucker for a romantic and sweet story. And there are times that I think, “I want to experience that” but then realize that I feel love every day of my life. My partner tells me he loves me every morning and every night. He takes the time to really appreciate me, look me in the eyes, and tells me how much he loves and appreciates me. Which is the most important thing anyway and I am 100% incandescently happy.

The fact that Valentine’s Day is right around the corner has nothing to do with this post. We don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day… Although, I do have to say that last year I did get him a card that said, “Happy fucking Valentine’s Day. Now let’s go fuck like the good ol’ days,” which isn’t all that romantic, but hilarious. I also provided a journal and the first entry was Valentine’s Day and it said that this journal will be written in every day, or every couple days for the whole year. I will write our experiences, our travel, our love, our ups and our downs, but most of all, it will document our year together. I thought it was a cute and creative way to remember this past year. Luckily, I was pretty persistent with the journal and only started writing every other day or so because I was running out of room in the journal. I have three pages left, which is perfect. It wasn’t a huge gift, but it was something that I thought he would appreciate. Something we could both appreciate when we’re older and want to reflect on our youth.

It’s an interesting experience being this age right now. Part of me thought that I wouldn’t actually experience the crazy amount of friends that are getting hitched like my older friends or family did. For awhile, it seems like my cousins were going to weddings every weekend. And while that is not where I am now, it’s still interesting to be on facebook and watch people getting married. My very good friend Heather is getting married next year, and I can’t wait to be there for it. I am so excited for her and I can’t wait to be a bridesmaid. It’s going to be so much fun. I hope I can get out there this year to visit, but we’ll see. I am glad that I have someone to spend my life with and experience these things with. And it would be perfectly ok if I didn’t, but I am very thankful that the universe has delivered my soul mate to me. It’s about dang time.

cooking and baking dreams

I love to cook. I am kind of addicted to cooking. I also like to cook new things. I like to experiment and spruce up recipes to make them a little more exciting. I also like to not use any recipe and see if I can make something up on my own. I usually can, and I usually do, and the results are amazing. However, there are days when I just DO NOT want to cook. I don’t want to do any more work because my 8-10 hours at the office were just so busy and draining. I looked at the beloved last night and said, “I wish there was a restaurant in this town that served our food so we wouldn’t have to cook it.”

We make some damn good food. And that is not me just being full of myself, it’s fact. We have cooked for many people and we always get raving reviews. We’re a good team in the kitchen—we know what the other will be doing next and have this fluidity of moving together in the kitchen. It makes it nice since our kitchen isn’t the largest.

We’ve discussed opening a restaurant where we cook whole, organic foods. With a dessert section of course, because your meal would not be complete with just dinner. It would need one of my delicious desserts to top it off—to put you over the edge into sweet bliss.

I never did much cooking in college. It’s kind of hard. You work, you come home, you do homework, and then you have to cook? No thanks, I’ll just stick with eating a pint of coconut milk coffee ice cream, thankyouverymuch! That right there is probably why I was in the 200s when I graduated.

When I moved out, I cooked more. I had more time with only working 32 hours a week. It was so nice to get home from work and not ever have to turn on a computer to do homework. I could cook, read, have a dance party, or all the above. It’s still awesome. I have some obligations here and there, but nothing as time consuming as school.

I have been seriously debating on turning this love of cooking/baking of mine into a career. Making a cookbook, teaching some classes on how to cook/bake gluten-free and vegan, opening a bakery/restaurant… something to get me out of sitting in an office all day. I have allergies to both gluten and dairy, so I have altered my baking to exclude both of those things. I can obviously make a cake with all the normal ingredients, but I take pride in the fact that I have become a specialized chef. I like being different and offer people healthy alternatives.

Luckily, my partner is an excellent photographer, so might start putting together a little book anyway and give it to friends as a test run and see if they’d be willing to give me some critiques and advice, as well as tell their friends/family about this awesome new cookbook to purchase! We’ll see. All I know is that I need a change, but not yet. The Oracle has told me that opening a bakery will happen, but right now is not the time—I need to work on grounding myself and the idea a bit more before charging ahead. And I will take that time. She knows best. I might start a blog as well as a jumpstart to the cook book. But, I am pretty snobby with my recipes and don’t like to share. We’ll see what happens. Stay tuned.